


Guilty Bones

by Basilintime



Series: Impression upon Space [5]
Category: Pacific Rim (Movies)
Genre: Chuck Lives, F/F, Lots of Angst, M/M, PRU AU, Probably a happy ending, and make up my own story of how Newt gets possessed by the precursors, definitely angst, going to throw a lot of canon out the window, let's see where this going to go
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-06-04
Updated: 2018-10-14
Packaged: 2019-05-18 00:18:50
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 5
Words: 27,347
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14841965
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Basilintime/pseuds/Basilintime
Summary: Chuck Hansen didn't expect to survive Operation Pitfall. By all rights he shouldn't have but he finds himself alive and mostly whole after two months of recovery. He's faced with the reality of having no true idea what to do now that the war is over as well as adjusting to the lasting affects of his injuries.Newton and Hermann have realized through their drift just how mutual their feelings were for each other. They've established a new norm for their relationship but are struggling with their own lingering affects of having drifted with an alien hive mind. Newton seems to be suffering more from this than Hermann with visual anomalies and migraines.





	1. I've been waiting to smile

**Author's Note:**

> This fic is part of the Impressions Upon Space series even though it's an AU branch off from the original set of fics. It is going to heavily be influenced by the relationships I built in Scream About a Good Man's life. I would love it if you decided to go and read that fic first to get a feel for how Newton and Chuck's friendship develops but it doesn't lead directly into this fic as it follows canon in the fact that Chuck dies. 
> 
> If you'd rather jump right in here instead the basics are that Newton and Chuck develop a friendship over the course of the years leading up to the closing of the breach. They have a "friends with benefits" relationship and Chuck repeatedly tries to get Hermann and Newton to admit their feelings for each other. He develops a friendship with Hermann as well though it is more antagonistic still but there is a mutual respect by the time the time frame of the movie occurs. When Chuck goes to close the breach he understand that he likely won't be returning and asks Hermann to take care of Newton if he doesn't return. 
> 
> This is the AU to that fic where Chuck does survive.

            Chuck didn’t remember much and what he did remember played over and over in his mind. He could remember the moment that Stacker and him had decided, agreed, that they would set off the payload. That they’d take out the kaiju to give Gypsy a chance to close the breach. He remembered Stacker looking at him for a long moment as Chuck nodded his head to indicate he understood. Chuck _had_ understood in that moment; in that moment he’d known he wasn’t going to come out the other end. That his old man was going to be left on his own with the knowledge that he’d failed to be there once again. It was a harsher fate than Chuck felt Herc deserved but it would be what he was left with.

            Chuck had understood that Newton would see his death as an excruciating blow; a broken promise that Chuck had reminded him he _couldn’t_ make time and again. That Hermann would be there to keep Newton from being lost in that pain entirely. Chuck hoped that the two of them would sort out their shit and Newton wouldn’t drift off on his own. Chuck understood that his life would be defined solely by this damn war and he’d never get to figure out if he could be more than a soldier following orders.

            That was the end of the things Chuck understood because it was at that point that Stacker had reached over and pulled his escape pod release. Those moments were hazy flashes as Chuck had been pulled up into the pod and then ejected from Striker Eureka as the kaiju rocketed towards them. The blast had knocked him unconscious, had knocked the pod far out of the expected search range. Apparently a tech had noticed the signal shortly after the celebrations started but assumed it was a fluke, a malfunction, because why would one of their escape pods be clear out there? Tendo Choi had had some words with the technician once he noticed the signal himself and had sent out the rescue team.  

            After that things were a bit jumbled, hazy confusion mixed with pain, until one day he woke finding he felt more put together than he had in a long time. There had been quiet voices nearby and Chuck looked around to find Newton and Hermann sitting near his bed having a small argument, Newton gesturing wildly even though his hand was linked with Hermann’s. Herc was lying on a couch nearby fast asleep, feet hanging off the end of the too small space. Chuck had closed his eyes; this time in an attempt to _understand_ ; to understand that he had lived and was now faced with all the uncertainty that simple fact brought with it.

 

            Newton had to stifle a yawn as he waited out in the hall for Chuck to finish up his physical therapy. It had been two months since the breach had been closed. Two months since Newton had gone through the loss of his best friend only for him to pop up in the middle of the ocean like that jackass phoenix he was. Two months since Hermann and Newton had drifted and realized how completely in love with each other they were. Somehow Chuck had known that long before the events of the previous two months which was a fact the guy wouldn’t let him live down. Newton’s phone chimed in his back pocket and he shifted to pull it out knowing it was Hermann even before he saw the screen.

 

**_You should see if Ranger Hansen would like to join us at the beach._ **

 

_Totally already on it, Hermms. Also, I’m pretty certain you could just call him Chuck pretty much in general at this point in your friendship._

**_…_ **

**_…_ **

            Newton could practically feel Hermann trying to figure out how to express something as the three dots danced on his screen. Newton worried at his bottom lip with his teeth as he tried to get an impression of what it was through their lingering connection. There was a flicker of blue light in the corner on Newton’s eye that distracted him as he lifted his head to stare down the empty hall. He frowned, most frustrated than confused at finding there was no source in sight. It had happened quite a few times now, typically when he was trying to probe at the shared mental connection with Hermann, where he’d have some sort of aura in his vision. He’d had his eyes checked out already and they’d found no sign of lasting trauma from the drift. No torn retinas and his capillaries had healed up.

            Ophthalmic Migraine was the tentative diagnosis though the medical team was continuing to monitor it. There could be worse symptoms to be left with than painless auracol migraines after a three way drift with an alien hive mind. Well, not always painless. Newton’s phone chimed in his hands which managed to startle him a bit. Newton blinked as he pulled himself out of his thoughts to swipe Hermann’s message on screen.

 

**_I believe that at times the reminder that he is still a Ranger despite his recent struggles helps Chuck feel more in control of things._ **

 

            Newton gave a small sigh feeling a bit sad as he hit the lock button on his phone because, of course, Hermann was right. Chuck acted like he wasn’t affected by everything that had happened, tried to act like he wasn’t struggling with sciatic-type pain caused by nerve damage, a torn rotator cuff and the lingering guilt of having had someone inside your brain blip out of existence. Newton knew there was more to it, more than just the physical effects. Chuck had known nothing but the war for most of his life. Hadn’t expected to survive it and have to figure out what to do in the aftermath. A lot of them didn’t know just what lay in store for them over the course of the next several months or years. If the breach was closed what was the use of the PPDC, of the jaegers and a science division dedicated to studying the things intent on invading them?

            Newton shoved his phone back into his pocket when the door beside him opened up and Chuck stepped out. He couldn’t help the smile that came to his face because, really, despite the fact that he knew Chuck was struggling a bit with all this Newton was just really fucking happy his best friend had survived. Chuck didn’t seem all that surprised to see him waiting, which to be honest, Newton waited for Chuck after his physical therapy most days so it wouldn’t be. Chuck threw his good arm around Newton’s shoulders as they fell into step besides each other.

            “So, Hermann and I were thinking of going to the beach in a little while if you wanted to come with us?”

            “What? And interrupt the date of the nerds? Nah, I’m good, mate.” Newton had somewhat expected that. Chuck had seemed overly determined not to get in the middle of Hermann and him now that they were…well, now that they were what they were. They hadn’t really gotten into the specifics as far as labeling what they were but they were definitely _together._ Newton tried to focus for a second, tried to push through to Hermann that the beach needed to be a group activity. He wasn’t certain Hermann would get it but then he felt that familiar confirmation as though Hermann knew exactly why this was needed.

            “It’s not a date, dude, it’s a group thing. I’m not sure who’s all coming yet but still. Not saying you won’t witness a totally hot make out session between Hermann and I-” There was another flicker of blue in the corner of his vision as they passed a hall and Newton came to a stop. He closed his eyes, pressing fingertips against his eyelids as though that would help chase away the aura. Chuck’s arm slipped from his shoulder and Newton felt himself being led aside so they were standing by the wall.

            “Newt, you okay?” Newton opened his eyes to find Chuck standing close, an arm resting on the wall above Newton’s head as he looked down the hall. Newton glanced in that direction as saw some J-techs staring back at them before they scurried away at being caught under Chuck’s glare. That shuddering blue light hadn’t left his vision and Newton felt a little bit of the actual headache it was supposed to signal in the back of his brain. “Newt?”

            “Yeah, yeah, I’m fine. Just more of those light things. I may lay down before we’re all supposed to go to the beach.” Newton patted at Chuck’s chest in an attempt at a comforting gesture as he saw the concern on Chuck’s face. He tried to focus, tried to act like there wasn’t some flickering nonexistent light anomaly giving him a private show. “You’ll come with us, right? To the beach?” He could tell Chuck wasn’t sold on his assurances that he was just fine. Newton had to close his eyes again, was feeling maybe a little sick now as he realized this wasn’t going to be the painless version of a migraine. It was going to be a full blown make you want to puke sort of migraine.

            “Yeah, I’ll go to the beach, Newt.” Newton heard Chuck’s sigh and felt the brush of his hand against Newton’s ribs for a moment as he was pulled a little closer. Newton could feel Hermann’s concern in the back of his mind as well and he tried to focus on reassuring both of them that he’d be _just fine_ if his brain would just trigger more serotonin to help regulate the oncoming pain. Newton pressed his forehead against Chuck for a few moments as to block out all light for just a second. It seemed to work though not entirely as the throbbing eased a tiny bit to where Newton felt like walking may be a thing he could do. “Let’s get you back to your room, mate. You can lie down for a bit. Should I check in with Dr. Gottlieb?”

            Hermann hadn’t been having the same dancing lights in his vision but he had suffered a few migraines himself since their drift. Newton’s almost seemed to trigger his which really only managed to make Newton feel guilty. Hermann shouldn’t have to carry half of his own trigeminal nerve-malfunctioning pain on Newton’s behalf. His phone chimed in his pocket and he forced himself to take a deep breath and suck it up. At least until he was in his room. Then he’d curl up on the bed in the dark and maybe cry a little to himself about how much this sucked.

            “Yeah…I think that’d be good. Just to make sure.” Newton fumbled for a moment to get his phone out of his pocket again to squint at it and try to read the message.

 

**_Are you okay, Newton? Do I need to come get you?_ **

 

_Ye, no, Chuk’s gt me. Ist fne jst gona lie dow for a bt…._

 

            Newton typed his response back to Hermann quickly and hoped that he’d understand even with the spelling mistakes. Chuck’s arm slipped around his shoulders, a little tighter and more protective than before as they started down the hall. Newton was hardly even cognizant of the trip through the halls and down the elevator to his bunk that was now sort of his and Hermann’s bunk. He let Chuck lead him along as he did his best to fight down the sensation of needing to be sick.

            “Medical still doesn’t know what’s causing these things?” Chuck kept his voice low which was a blessing because even with the hushed tones the sound made Newton’s ears seem to throb. It was a weird underwater effect like he was feeling the vibrations of the sound surrounding him like currents in his head.

            “Just part of the affects. May have been the overload, the seizure or just the nature of the drift in general. They think its backfiring nerves that may heal with time, may not.” Newton wasn’t really sure he was talking because the words felt heavy and slurred in his mouth. He heard Chuck’s response though he didn’t really process the words as the pain intensified for a moment. It at least let him know he’d spoken enough that Chuck wasn’t just turning them towards the med bay instead.

            Chuck got him into his room, helped Newton get situated in the bed and switched the lights out at his insistence. Newton had the thought that Chuck shouldn’t be the one taking care of him considering what he’d been through, what he’d been dealing with. He’d been meeting with Chuck to try and make sure that he was okay but it had flipped on Newt. Chuck leaned down to press a kiss to Newton’s temple saying he’d be back later and Newton grabbed at him, caught him before he could pull away.

            “I’m happy you’re here, Chuck. You’re okay? Right?” Newton couldn’t read Chuck’s expression in part because of the dark and partially because he wasn’t processing visual information all that great at the moment. Chuck sat down on the edge of the bed and was silent for a long moment before he patted Newton on the chest.

            “I’ll be fine, Newt. You need to get some rest.”

            “You’ll _be_ fine but you’re _not_ fine? Or-“

            “How about we talk about this when you’re not slurring your words like you’re three beers deep, mate?” Newton made a little noise as he rested his head back against the pillow. Even it felt a little too harsh at the moment. _I’m going to hold you to that_. Newton had a feeling those words hadn’t made it out as he closed his eyes as the sound of Chuck leaving the room.

 

            Hermann had been attempting for the third time to wrap up a report on his outlook for them preventing the reopening of the breach should such a situation arise. He looked down at his phone that lay silent now after the last message from Newton with a quiet sigh. Hermann had other places he’d rather be at that moment than sitting in the lab making assumptions for bureaucrats. It was too early for them to be demanding these kind of answers as it had been sheer dumb luck that they’d managed to even figure out how to collapse the breach.

            No. Not dumb luck. It had taken Newton’s mind, their minds, hooked up to a dying brain of an infant kaiju for them to figure out all the pieces. Hermann’s maths had carried them part way but Newton’s risks had been the final piece they’d needed. Newton, who was in the back of Hermann’s mind. Newton, whose own brain seemed resigned to punish him with near blinding pain. It was distracting Hermann even if he only was feeling the whispers of it. He knew that Newton was getting the visual symptoms of migraines on a semi-regular basis but the sudden onset of pain had occurred only a few times now. Hermann heard someone enter the lab but took a moment to type one final sentence before pushing his chair back to see who it was. Chuck was leaning against the side of the desk with his head tilted to look at what Hermann had been working on.

            “Hello Ranger Hansen,” Hermann said with a small smile. Chuck gave him a little grin and a wink as he picked up one of the stress balls that Hermann had scattered around his desk and tossed it between his hands a little. Hermann knew very well that Chuck was there because of Newton’s migraine.

            “Hey Dr. Gottlieb. I dropped Newton off to his room. Said I’d come make sure you’re not experiencing ‘backfiring nerves’ as well.” Chuck was a little leaner than he had been before the closing of the breach. He had lost some of his muscle mass due to his recovery time, Hermann had noted how he favored his right side when he walked and the frustrated instances where simple tasks caused pain and irritation to his right shoulder. It had taken the brunt of the impact inside the pod when the payload had detonated.

            “I am fine but thank you for seeing him to his room. Did he…did he mention anything he felt triggered this migraine to you?”

            “No. Just seemed to come out of nowhere. Medical really hasn’t figured this shit out?” Chuck frowned down at the stress ball, gave it one good squeeze as though attempting to channel his frustration into the small sack of flour before dropping it back on the table.

            “They haven’t found many answers, no. He is getting tired of having tests run as well so he’s been doing his best to avoid the medbay. I cannot blame him but I do wish that he’d endure it for a while longer if it meant they may figure out a way to help mitigate it.”

            “You both still having the nightmares too?” Chuck was watching Hermann with one of those probing gazes that dared him to try and dismiss the question. That much hadn’t changed, Chuck Hansen still approached most everyone, even those he cared about, with the finesse of a blunt instrument. Drifting with Newton had given Hermann a different perspective on this as well.

            “Yes. Those do not seem to lessening in their frequency though perhaps with some more time they will.” Hermann pursed his lips, debated whether he needed to inflict his own frustrations on the slightly deflated looking stress ball. Chuck studied him for a few more seconds before seeming to be satisfied with his answer.

            “How exactly are you doing, mate?” Hermann’s gaze had strayed back to his computer, to the work that he wasn’t clearing off the list as efficiently as he preferred. He kept his focus there as he debated the answer to Chuck’s question; tried to pin down the basics of how he was faring compared to what was the overlay of Newton.

            “The side effects are unpleasant though I feel that the...overall situation is greatly improved since the closing of the breach.” Hermann felt a weak but still clear little nudge from Newton in the back of his mind. Things had most definitely improved at least in some ways.

            “You know, I told you-”

            “Ranger Hansen, I do not need reminded that you feel that you understood Dr. Geiszler and my relationship better-”

            “Well, I did and distinctly remember telling you several times-”

            “Yes, yes. You told me several times that I just had to _tell_ him.” Hermann huffed as he leveled a glare at Chuck who was giving him a smirk. Hermann could no longer deny the level of endearment he felt for Chuck any more than he could deny the level of utter annoyance he could illicit. “Did he ask you about the beach later? If he’s feeling better, of course, though you could go with the rest of the group still if you wished.” Hermann chose to change the subject rather than continue to debate the previous state of things. Hermann knew that Newton had asked but he feigned ignorance as he waited for Chuck’s answer.

            “You’re both are terrible liars, Dr. Gottlieb. I know this wasn’t supposed to be a group beach outing. But, yes, he asked and I told him I’d go. If he’s feeling better, of course.” Chuck seemed to mimic Hermann’s tone as he took his weight off the side of the desk. There was that slight shift, the weight being placed more to his left than his right when Chuck had once always been heavily balanced in his stance. Hermann kept his expression steady even as he felt that sympathetic concern.

            “I don’t know what you’re talking about, Ranger. Tendo is bringing his entire family and last I heard Rangers Mori and Becket were going to join as well. How is that not a group outing?” Hermann had perhaps sent out some quick invites when he’d gotten Newton’s mental prod about Chuck’s reluctance. Tendo had been easy enough and once Ranger Mori had agreed Becket had followed suit. Chuck gave a snort of amusement as he shook his head and gave Hermann a small wave.

            “I’ve got to go report in to my old man. I’ll see you later, Hermann.”

            “Goodbye Chuck.”

 

            Hermann had done what he could for their damned reports after Chuck had left. Well, he had done enough that he felt content with the work given his concerns lay elsewhere. He entered Newton’s room to find all the lights out and the man appearing to be asleep. He sighed, able to feel the fitful disturbance of Newton’s dreams as he sat on the edge of the bed. Hermann set his cane against the nightstand, carefully leaned next to Newton’s guitar. He slid his shoes off and then shifted into the bed besides Newton who stirred at his presence.

            “Hermms?” Newton’s voice was still heavy with the effects of the migraine and his own uneasy sleep. Hermann pulled him close so that Newton could curl up against him and kissed his forehead.

            “I’m here, Newton, try and go back to sleep.” Newton made some noncommittal sound as he snuggled against Hermann before giving a content sigh. Some of the pain of the migraine seemed to have faded with sleep but Hermann had found his own proximity sometimes helped the most. It was one of the many things he didn’t understand, something he had no real proof of aside from that sense of tension slipping away from Newton. Even if it was entirely a placebo effect that made Newton’s migraines and visual anomalies ease in his presence Hermann would use it to their advantage.

            Hermann closed his own eyes feeling some of his own fatigue laying there in the dark with the warmth of Newton pressed close to him. A little sleep would do them both good and Tendo had promised to check on them in a little while to see if they felt their outing would be practical or not. He let himself drift off with the hope they’d be able to get some peaceful rest.

 


	2. We would walk on the beach in our bare feet

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Chuck struggles with his frustration at the things he feels are uncertain in his future. The group makes their trip to the beach. S

                Chuck made his way up to LOCCENT where he knew his father had been working with some of the techs earlier. He was hoping that Herc would be willing to start training again now that he’d been in physical therapy for a few weeks. There was still a lot of uncertainty on whether the breach would reopen or not at this point. Granted, there were no active jaegers still in commission given Striker and Danger’s destruction during the final battle. The council had approved the construction of several new jaegers and they were already underway but it would take some time for them to be ready. Chuck fully expected that one of those jaegers would be theirs to pilot even with Herc having accepted a promotion of Marshal.

                Herc was finishing up talking with one of the techs when Chuck entered, Tendo giving him a wave from over at the main console. They were down to a small crew given the lowered threat level so the normally crowded area was almost empty and quiet. Once Herc had sent the tech scurrying off, Chuck getting another one of those wide-eyed looks as they passed, he stepped in to see what Herc had wanted.

                “How are things going with your physical therapy?” Herc clapped him lightly on the shoulder as Max padded over to sit between the two of them expectantly as he waited for pats from at least one of them. Chuck knelt down to scrub at Max’s collar with an affectionate smile at the dog who’s tongue lulled out of his mouth lazily.

                “Good but a bit slow for my liking. Beau says that we’re on track though.” His physical therapist was a woman a little older than him but could likely kick most people’s asses if she ever felt inclined to. She regularly kicked his ass in therapy though Chuck didn’t mind if it meant he was getting closer to being on active duty again. “We going to train in the Kwoon soon?” Herc pursed his lips and Chuck could feel that frustration rise up as he stood to meet Herc face to face.

                “There’s no reason to rush this, kid. I think we should wait, take your time before we go jumping into that shit again. Besides, there’s no saying even if there’s a need for us to deploy again that I’ll be the one in the jaeger besides you.” It was that that pissed Chuck off more than anything else. The insinuation that Herc wouldn’t be his drift partner anymore and that Chuck would be stuck a single man out trying to find someone else to let inside his head. If he was going to fight he was going to be fighting alongside his old man. He’d tried it with someone else. They’d completed the mission but Chuck wasn’t exactly satisfied with the overall outcome of that experiment. He couldn’t bring himself to admit that that was his fear though. That and the fear that _he_ might not ever get to where they’d let him back inside a jaeger and Herc would be the one heading out with a new co-pilot.

                “I’ve been taking my damn time, old man, I’m sick and tired of sitting around doing jack shit.” Herc shook his head as he crossed his arms, Max giving a quiet bark in demand of attention from them. Neither of them bent down at first but then they both did and Herc spoke in a low tone to him as he rubbed his hands roughly over Max’s sides.

                “You’re not going to risk your healing just because you’re bored, Ranger. We’re done talking about this and that is an order. We’re not at war anymore, kid, maybe you need to start thinking about improving yourself in some other areas. Either way we’re not going to be training together anytime soon.” Herc’s tone was flat and final as he spoke and Chuck gave Max one final pat before he stood up because he needed to keep his anger under control. Herc was his father but he was also the fucking Marshal now and if there was one thing Chuck was good at, it was following orders.

                “Yes sir, Marshal.” Chuck spat the words out even as he saw Herc’s expression shift to one that clearly said he regretted the way he’d worded things.  

                “Chuck.” Herc called after him as he started towards the door and Chuck paused though he didn’t look back. “You’re a smart kid. The fights over. There’s a lot more you could do with yourself than this. I just want you to realize that.” Chuck stood for a few moments but chose not to respond as he stepped back out of LOCCENT, shooting one of the J-techs a look when he caught them staring again. He had noticed it pretty damn quick once he was out of medical and back in the shatterdome that a lot of the techs and staff would stare. Chuck didn’t know what their deal was and didn’t really fucking care but it got on his nerves. Right at that moment wasn’t the time to test his nerves.

                He wound his way down the halls trying to avoid other people until he found himself in the gym. Beau _had_ advised him to take it easy still with working out outside their scheduled times but she hadn’t forbid it entirely. And Chuck needed to burn off some of this energy that had been pent up inside for the last two months. Before he would have likely gone looking for a fight but he was trying not to do anything that would get him in serious trouble. He was already close to losing his main purpose in life, the one things his life had revolved around. The last thing he needed was to actively throw it away by taking a swing at the wrong person.

                He changed in the locker room quickly and stepped into the gym to take that aggression out on the punching bag instead. Sets of three hits in quick succession. _One, two, three_. Chuck had survived the end of the war and now what? _One, two, three._ No one seemed able to explain why Newton was still suffering symptoms from a drift that had happened months ago. _One, two, three._ Chuck may never climb back into a jaeger and if he did it might be without his father. _One, two, three._ If he did they didn’t even know what purpose they’d be serving. _One, two three._ The final thing. The one that Chuck hated to admit because he was fucking happy for them at the same time. Newton and Hermann were together now like they should have been this entire time. Together like Chuck had told them both repeatedly that they could have been if one of them would have just admitted it. And Chuck now felt like a third wheel to what were probably his two best friends. _One, two, three._

                Chuck cursed as his right shoulder complained with a sharp twinge that cut his breath short. He leaned into the punching bag for a moment, rested his forehead against it as he took that time to even out his breathing. Newt and Hermann were doing their best to include him in things, to make him feel like he was still an integral part. They weren’t making him feel like the extra piece but Chuck still felt like he was just getting in the way on some level. He gave three short punches with his left hand in frustration as he continued to hold the bag in place.

                “Are you supposed to be doing that so soon, Hansen?” Chuck hadn’t realized he wasn’t alone anymore until Raleigh spoke up behind him with that damn fucking tone of condescending concern in his voice. Chuck pushed away from the punching bag, working on taking the tape he’d wound around his knuckles off.

                “What’s it to you, Rah-leigh?” Chuck still felt that itch to pick a fight. His shoulder was aching with the over exertion and his right hip was a tight ball of pain that was causing him to favor that side. They’d work against him but winning the fight didn’t really matter. Never had before either. And at least here he hadn’t gone searching out a fight. It might have just come to him instead if he could play his cards right.

                “Nothing really. Just figured you’d rather not be risking permanent damage,” Raleigh said with a shrug and a tone of indifference though Chuck could feel him staring like the fucking techs did in the halls. That frown of pity that Chuck was so tired of seeing on everyone’s faces as they passed him.

                “I’m doing just fine, Beckett. I know my fucking limits.” Chuck was weighing his options. Just how much trouble he was likely to get in to if he provoked a fight with Raleigh. He felt fairly positive that Raleigh wouldn’t rat him out if they did get in a fight. That, as long as no one else came in that would report it, they’d both just avoid each other for a few days and make excuses for any bruises that were visible. Raleigh was a tough target to crack though and Herc would undoubtedly make the connection and call them on it. Chuck glanced back in Raleigh’s direction and found him watching back with that look damn look still on his face.

                “Look, I’ve been there before. It’s hard not to push to do more right away but it really is better to take it easy-“

                “If I wanted your fucking advice I’d asked for it, Rahls.” Chuck shoulder checked Raleigh, secretly glad that he was on his good side as his right shoulder complained still. Raleigh turned to face him as Chuck stopped to stand his ground and wait to see if pushing buttons was going to work. Raleigh had squared his shoulders some when he turned to face him which was a promising sign. _One, two, three._ Chuck counted in his head as he felt that need to release some of the anger that was a byproduct of his fears. “Besides, I’m not one to give it five years before I decide to step back up.”

                “You keep doing what you’re doing you won’t be able to step back up. Stop being stupid about this. I’m trying to help-“

                “A lot of help you were down at the breach.” Chuck stepped forward to close the space between them a bit more. Raleigh’s eyes narrowed as they both silently acknowledged the lack of conviction behind the comment. Mako and Raleigh had been the reason the breach was closed. Mako and Raleigh had been the real heroes of the day by finishing the job once it became clear Striker wasn’t going to.

                “I’m not going to fight you, Chuck, if that’s what you’re looking for. We’ve done this once before and I pretty definitively kicked your ass back then so-“ Raleigh stopped himself seeming to realize he was treading a thin line. Chuck could guess what he’d been about to say though. He could come up with all sort of ways to finish that in relation to the fact that Chuck was broken just then. His own body did its best to fill in all those blanks with the aching throb that started in his hip and down into his leg. “You need to take it easy until you’ve healed.”

                “Fuck you, Rah-leigh.” Chuck gave him a small shove even though he knew well enough that it was pointless. He felt more of that anger shift inside of him, felt it subtly change into more of that self-loathing he’d been collecting since he’d first realized that his father had saved him in exchange for his mother. What a waste that had been. He heard Raleigh call after him as he stormed out. The second unsatisfactory conversation of the day coming to an end as he passed Mako on her way in to join her drift partner. Chuck didn’t stop to change out of his gym clothes as he instead headed up to the helipad. He needed a smoke if he wasn’t going to get anything else out of the day.

 

                They had managed to get to the beach a little later than originally planned but they still had several hours left before the sun would set. Newton had set them up not too far from the water as the beach spread out in both directions relatively empty except for a beach comber here and there. The government had cleared a handful of beaches for the public though it seemed like most people were still steering clear of them. All the better since it gave their small group a place to relax without too many interruptions.

                He had still felt a bit fuzzy when he’d woken up but by now Newton was feeling awake and decidedly migraine-free as he sat on the towel watching Allison and Mac build a sandcastle not too far away. Hermann was sitting beneath the beach umbrella, ever mindful of getting a sunburn despite Newton taking advantage of the situation to rub sunscreen all over him. Chuck was talking with Tendo just to their right and Newton was doing his best not to eavesdrop despite his concern for Chuck. He’d seemed upset when they’d met up to come to the beach, had dismissed Newton when he’d asked what was up other than to say that Raleigh Becket had been an ass. Newton strummed lazily at his guitar that he’d dragged along with them as he turned his attention to Mako and Raleigh wading a little ways out with Max playing at their feet in the waves. He narrowed his eyes a little towards Raleigh, maybe hoping just a little that he’d get taken down by an errant sneaker wave.

                “What are you thinking about?” Hermann spoke up behind him and Newton tilted his head back to look at him before lying down on the blanket with the guitar resting across his abdomen.

                “How awesome you are.” Hermann made a quiet noise of amusement at this as he shook his head. His eyes trailed towards Chuck and Newton could feel that press of concern that wasn’t simply his own in that moment. “I’ve been thinking…maybe we should get a little place in Australia.” Newton spoke quietly so that they weren’t overheard and Hermann practically winced at the suggestion.

                “I’m fairly positive that neither of us would actually enjoy living there. Besides, it is likely the source of your motivation won’t be spending much time in his home country. At least not for a while as the reorganization of the PPDC is underway.” Newton sighed as he looked up at the blue sky above him with a touch of sadness resting in his chest. He peeked towards Chuck and caught him looking back so Newton put on a smile and waved.

                “Told you the beach would be nice!” He called out towards Chuck who rolled his eyes before lying back on his towel and pulling his sunglasses down. “You’re going to have horrible tan lines.” This earned him a raised middle finger though he could see a hint of a familiar smile on Chuck’s face. Newt knew that he had scars from his suit and that was likely part of the reason he was wearing the tank top but he was determined not to treat Chuck differently. He knew that was maybe the part Chuck was struggling with the most, people suddenly treating him different than they had before. He dropped his voice again before he spoke, turning to look at Hermann. “I suppose that’s true, I just…want to make sure he doesn’t go off on his own. I’m worried he’s gonna try to shut people out with everything.”

                “We will do our best not to let him isolate himself, Newton.” Hermann spoke softly, letting his hand move to run through Newton’s hair. It was a relief, knowing Hermann had his back, knowing that he would be there with him for good now. Newton hummed a little as he strummed his guitar, giving Hermann a grin as he fell into more of a rhythm of notes that was a bit slower than was true to the song. Hermann frowned as he tried to place what Newton was playing before he started to sing; putting on a fake folksy tone in his voice despite how very not folksy the actual song was.

                “I heat up…I can’t cool down…” Hermann narrowed his eyes as him as Newton shifted to sit up as he crooned at him. It took him a bit longer to recognize what Newton was singing. Newton lost his hold on the altered tune and slid into the proper tempo instead though it’d give it away before he got to the best part. “Every time you call my name, I heat up like a burning flame.” Newton grinned as he saw Hermann blush and Newt leaned in to him as he sang “Kiss me baby” and Hermann burst out into laughter as he pushed him away.

                “Stop singing your atrocious eighties songs at me, Newton. You could at least choose something romantic if you’re going to be embarrassing in public.” Hermann did his best to keep Newton at arm’s length but he still managed to sneak a kiss in on the corner of Hermann’s mouth before attempting to do the guitar solo. It lost some of its power on an acoustic guitar and Newton dissolving into laughter at Hermann disapproving glare. Hermann shook his head at him as Tendo catcalled at them from where he still was sitting beside Chuck.

                “Get a room you two,” Chuck yelled out at them when Hermann pulled Newton back in to give him a proper kiss. Newton melted into it with a smile, wondering how the hell he’d missed out on this for ten years. If you had asked him during the war what he’d be doing once it was all over and done with Newton wouldn’t have been able to fathom that he’d be sitting on the beach kissing Dr. Hermann Gottlieb while his best friend heckled them from the sidelines. Newton couldn’t imagine having it any other way now.

 

                “Well that’s one good thing to come out of all this.” Tendo’s words came out in a wistful tone. Chuck shook his head as he watched Newton start goading Hermann with another ridiculous song the moment they stopped kissing. He turned to glance back over to Tendo who was staring at the couple dreamily. “Do you know how long I waited for those two to realize they were in love with each other?”

                “Do you know how many fucking times I told them both they were in love with each other?” Chuck countered and Tendo grinned as he leaned back on his elbows next to him. Chuck sighed as Tendo turned his focus out towards the water where Chuck was very aware that Raleigh and Mako were now playing with Max in the tide.

                “Well, it wouldn’t be the first time it took two people drifting together to realize how the other feels.” Chuck groaned lightly as he closed his eyes and tried to tune Tendo out. “I’m just saying you could give your dad a break. You know better than anyone else how proud of you he is. He just wants you to have the chance to do something different, something you would have chosen had there not been a war to choose for you.”

                “Did he ask you to talk to me?”

                “No, but I’m pretty certain I’m the only one he actually talks to now that Stacker’s gone. It’d be good if the two of you could manage to talk without it turning into an argument.” Chuck opened one eye to give Tendo a skeptical look and found himself under a leveled gaze over the man’s sunglasses.

                “Am I really going to take advice from a man who looks like Elvis and actually named his kid after Macbeth?”

                “You should. That guy sound pretty damn wise to me. You know, you listened to me a lot more when you were an obnoxious teen I was asked to tutor.”

                “Yeah, well, that was before I realized how ridiculous you actually are.” Tendo scoffed as he flicked a bit of sand at Chuck. He grumbled as he tried to brush it off of him as Tendo’s focus strayed over towards his family. “Go hang out with your kid, Choi. I’m old enough you don’t have to baby sit me anymore.” Tendo seemed to hesitate though Chuck could tell he was dying to go join his wife and kid. “Go. I’m good. I’ll think about what you said in regards to the old man.”

                “He really is trying, Chuck.”

                “Yeah, yeah.” Tendo patted him on the shoulder before getting up to go swoop his kid up into the air with a laugh. Chuck closed his eyes again, listening to Newton’s strumming on his guitar as he talked quietly to Hermann a short distance away. He felt a moment of contentment with that, was able to forget some of his worries and concerns in the warmth of the sun. He heard the chiming of the collar before Max was suddenly licking his face and Chuck groaned in complaint as he nudged the dog away from him. Max gave a shake, spraying him with water as Raleigh came to sit down looking apologetic.

                “He seemed like he was wearing himself out. I thought it’d be good for him to take a break,” Raleigh said as Chuck scrubbed at Max despite the torrential hit of dog scented water he’d just flung at him. Max panted happily as Chuck scratched around his collar before he kissed the top of Max’s head.

                “He doesn’t really know when to take a break on his own,” Chuck said feeling a bit weary himself as he eyed Raleigh. His attention seemed to be more on Newton and Hermann at the moment and Chuck glanced towards them and found they were both doing a bad job at not being obvious about watching them. Newton had a small frown on his face as he eyed Raleigh even as he plucked at the guitar strings and Hermann had an expression very similar to one that Chuck had seen only once before. Hermann had punched someone that last time and Chuck had to hide his own grin.

                “I get the distinct feeling they don’t like me much.”

                “I may have told them you were an ass earlier,” Chuck said with a shrug. Granted, Chuck had been the one trying to pick the fight and maybe he hadn’t necessarily gone into that much detail. Max laid down between the two of them, resting his head on Chuck’s leg and stretching out to press his paws against Raleigh’s thigh.

                “I didn’t mean to make that sound the way it did. I was trying to say that I get it. I’ve been there before, Chuck, I get being so pissed off because the things you were able to do before are suddenly a struggle. After Yancy…piloting that jaeger on my own and the damage we took during the battle screwed me up for a long while.” Chuck listened as he scratched absently at Max’s ear, eyes out towards the water rather than on Raleigh.

                “I don’t really give a shit what you were trying to say, Becket. Still don’t get why you even care.” Raleigh made a frustrated sound next to him and Chuck’s gaze strayed now towards Mako who was still out in the water. She was standing about thigh deep staring out at the waves that disappeared along the horizon. They hadn’t talked much either since everything had happened. Hadn’t really talked since he’d called her a bitch the last time he’d felt the need to start a fight. He’d gotten Raleigh to take a swing at him and more that time. Chuck maybe regretted that a little, they hadn’t been really close for several years but Mako had been someone he’d considered a friend when he was younger. They had been the same age, had both lost something to the war and had both been angry about it. At some point they’d gone down different paths though; Mako had learned to contain her anger and Chuck really hadn’t.

                “Despite everything she thinks you’re a good guy. Maybe a bit brash, don’t show enough respect but she still thinks you’re a good guy.”

                “So you care because she thinks I’m a good guy?” Chuck rolled his eyes as he put every bit of sarcasm he could muster in his voice. Figures that Raleigh would only act concerned because some part of Mako still cared about him.

                “I care because, despite still thinking you’re a major pain in the ass, I’ve also seen you risk yourself to save others. You were willing to go with Pentecost down there. That’s something only a good person would do.” Chuck found himself looking back towards Newton who had stopped strumming on his guitar and was still watching them. Newt made some sort of motion with his hands that he clearly thought was discreet even though it wasn’t in the least. Chuck got the meaning though, understood Newt was asking him if he was okay. Chuck gave him a short nod, took a deep breath as he ran a hand over the sand.

                “Not that I don’t appreciate this tender moment here, Rahls, but is there a point?” Mako was wading back in now and she called out for Max who fumbled at getting up. He had to take a few tries to roll back onto his feet and then he bolted back down towards the water to meet her with a happy bark.

                “I meant it when I said I’m not going to fight you, Chuck, but I’ll spar with you. It will be with the understanding that I set the pace, that you listen and we don’t push it. I’m not going to be the one that fucks up your chance at healing to the best of your ability. But I meant it when I said I understood. I get needing to get back to things and so if you want, I’ll spar with you.” Chuck sat up a bit straighter and looked at Raleigh to see if he was bullshitting him or not.

                “Herc put you up to this?” Raleigh actually seemed to wince at the suggestion as he dropped his eyes down, hands toying with the end of Max’s leash that had been lying in the sand next to him.

                “No, actually I’m pretty certain the Marshal would kick my ass if he knew I was suggesting it. That’s part of why I get to set the pace we work at with this. Keep you in practice without doing anything to risk your recovery. You think you can work with that? Think you can work with me? I know I’ve never really managed to get on your good side.” Raleigh gave him a questioning look and Chuck had to take a second to think on it. It had never been that he actually disliked Raleigh; it had always been that Chuck had hated how Raleigh was everything his father seemed to think Chuck wasn’t.

                “I think I can try.”

                “Good. We’ll start tomorrow. Meet me early, the Kwoons should be empty for a few hours in the morning.” Chuck gave a short nod and Raleigh lingered for a moment longer before getting up to head over towards Tendo and Allison. Chuck frowned down at the sand that had gathered on his towel as he thought over the conversation. His thoughts were interrupted when he heard Newton start strumming on his guitar a little louder than before.

                “Something’s on my mind. It’s been for quite some time…” Newton started singing as Chuck shook his head and stood up to go join the two nerds on their towel.

                “That guitar needs to disappear, mate.” Chuck gave Newton a look as he continued to sing with a shit eating grin on his face. Hermann tutted in disapproval even as he reached to brush some sand off Newton’s shoulder as he built to the climax of the song.

                “You’re just. A fuck! I can’t explain it cause I think you suck.” Chuck laughed as Hermann gave a long suffering sigh.

                “I appreciate your musical prowess, Geiszler, but there are children present,” Allison called with laughter in her voice. Raleigh was frowning in their direction as Mako talked to him quietly and Chuck gave him a wink as Newton continued on apparently without a care.

                “Why on earth do I love him,” Hermann muttered under his breath as he shifted to let Chuck under the shade of the umbrella. “I do hope that there isn’t a lingering issue with Ranger Becket?” Hermann spoke quietly as Newton shifted into a different song that was a little more child friendly as Tendo chastised him for trying to teach Mac curse words this young.

                “Nah, nothing more than the general dislike that’s always been there.” Hermann made a thoughtful noise at this as Chuck stretched out half on the sand and half on their towel. Chuck had closed his eyes to try and finally just relax when the quiet stretched between them filled only by Newton making up a song about a kid names Mac playing in the sand. He felt Max come and lie down beside him, freshly wet as he heaved a content sigh against Chuck’s side.

                “You know, general dislike is how I would have described my relationship with Newton for several years.” Chuck lowered his sunglasses so that Hermann would get the full power of the look he leveled at him for the insinuation. Hermann just kept an innocent sort of expression on his face as he watched Newton goof off. Chuck shook his head, grumbling to himself as he settled the sunglasses back in place.

                “I think drifting with Newton scrambled your brain more than you might think there, Dr. Gottlieb.” Hermann made an amused noise but didn’t comment further as Chuck finally tried to get some rest in the sunshine.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter title from "Ocean Avenue" off of Yellowcard. 
> 
> The songs Newton sings are Abracadabra by the Steven Miller Band and F.O.D. by Green Day.


	3. Curious ghouls we became fools

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Newton finds himself starting to sleepwalk as his post-drift symptoms seem to continue to stack up. It leaves him, Hermann and Chuck all feeling lost on how to help the problem.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter title comes from "This isn't control" by Ms Mr. 
> 
> I feel like I've maybe found my stride with this fic in this chapter.

              The last Newton remembered he’d been curling up on the lab couch next to Hermann still feeling drowsy and lazy. Hermann had been working on reviewing a paper he’d be submitting about some of the work on the breach. They would both need to present to the council soon about where they hoped to expand their research. The council had, in essence, asked them to validate their continued employment within the PPDC now that the breach was close. Newton probably had something he should have been writing or editing or doing something with but all he’d wanted to do was lose himself in some music. Hermann had chastised him about how he should be putting some actual effort into this considering his future was at stake. Instead, he must have fallen asleep on the couch with his headphones on but he didn’t remember that. Just like he didn’t remember how he’d gotten up in the mostly dark lab and over to the last remaining tanks of kaiju anatomy that were sitting in the corner with blankets draped over them.

              Yet Newton had suddenly come awake standing there close to those tanks, a hand pressed against a small exposed section of glass. There was that momentary blue flicker that made him turn his head to try and catch what the source of it was. Only the dark lab stood around him, a single light on towards the front where they’d been sitting earlier. Newton couldn’t see from here if Hermann was still on the couch or if he was completely alone in the lab now. He felt a sense of dread press down on his chest with a sickness pushing up against his throat. He felt a little like he was drowning as he stood in place.

              Newton pulled his hand away from the tank, stumbling back a few steps as he tried to shake the confusion from his mind. He started towards the front of the lab where the light was illuminating the space with a sinking suspicion that there were creatures lurking in the darkened corners behind the blackboards and dissection tables. His steps sped up as he saw that Hermann was still on the couch and some sense of normalcy returned to the world once more. Hermann was clearly asleep, slumped down with his head tilted back against the cushions as Newton came to sit down next to him a bit hastily. As he pulled his feet up off the floor as though something might reach out and grab his ankles; Hermann startled awake at his sudden weight beside him.

              “Newton…are you alright?” Hermann blinked as he sat up, carefully picking up his paper that was a bit scattered in his lap. Newton stared around the lab space unable to shake the feeling that something was there just out of sight. “Newton? Darling…was it the nightmares?” Hermann’s voice was groggy but full of concern as he sat up straighter and set the paper aside to turn his focus on him. Newton bit his lower lip as he glanced towards the back of the lab that was dark and looming. He felt a little like the bits and pieces of monstrous anatomy floating in their tanks were watching them. That was ridiculous though, right? This sense that he was stuck in some web with vibrations reaching out letting those decaying pieces know just where he was in the universe. “Newton.”

              “Uh, yeah…yeah I think it was just the nightmares. I think I maybe was sleep walking? I woke up and was standing in the…the middle of the lab and its just kind of all confusing. I haven’t slept walked since I was a kid.” Newton didn’t know why he had fudged the truth; hadn’t intended to until the words were coming out. He felt like admitting that he’d been in the back of the lab; that he’d been back by those draped tanks would cause unresolvable issues. Hermann had slipped his arm around Newton’s shoulders and he sunk against his side. The closeness helped ease some of those nerves and fears as Newton sighed and rested his head against his shoulder.

              “That is a bit troubling if you’re sleep walking. We don’t want you wandering somewhere within the shatterdome that you could get hurt. Is this the first time it’s happened in recent memory?” Hermann was doing his best to hide his concern though Newton could feel the thread of it in the back of him mind co-mingling with his own. Hermann must have realized this because there was a sudden cooling effect in his mind. It was a like a blanket was being laid over his thoughts; a calming force pushing him to relax. Hermann didn’t usually influence him that directly but Newton could understand the desire to ease some of the anxious fear.

              “Yeah, at least that I know of. I don’t think it’s anything; I mean between the nightmares and the general lack of sleep from the last like ten years it’s actually kind of surprising it’s the first time. I didn’t get far, I don’t know if we should be all that concerned. I mean, I doubt I’ll ever make it all that far to end up anywhere really dangerous.” Newton wasn’t really sure if he was trying to convince himself or Hermann just then. That pressing of calming emotion almost had him thinking that it was true; there was no real threat of him ending up somewhere dangerous. It felt different with Hermann so directly influencing his emotions compared to the typical feedback they had running between them.   

              “Still, we will want to make sure the door to our quarters are locked each night to make it more difficult for you to slip out. There are a lot of places that would be rather dangerous if you ended up making it that far. We shouldn’t take any risks.” Hermann pressed a kiss to Newton’s temple and that helped seal the last of his fears in the back of his mind. Newton relaxed against him with a small smile as he toyed with the bottom hem of Hermann’s sweater vest. “Do you remember the nightmares when you wake up, Newton?”

              “Nah.” Newton didn’t really feel like talking about it anymore. Normally he’d love to hash over things with Hermann but there wasn’t any need to on this. Nightmares and a bit of sleep walking weren’t that big of a deal. Were they? Newton frowned as he thought about it for a moment. He’d been extremely worried about it a few moments ago but now it didn’t seem like it should have been anything to get all worked up about. He teased at a loose thread on Hermann’s vest, tried to remember why it had bothered him so much. He hadn’t been that far from the couch when he’d woken up… Something seemed wrong about that fact, didn’t it?

              “You don’t remember anything from them?” Hermann knocked his hand gently away from the string where Newton had managed to tug it even further unraveled along the edge. He fussed lightly at the undone hem before taking Newton’s hand in his to lift it to his lips. Newton felt confused, almost like he’d just woken up again, and he glanced behind them over the back of the couch for a second as he thought he heard a whisper.

              “No, should I?”

              “Perhaps not. I tend to remember pieces but not always the entire thing,” Hermann turned his head to follow Newton’s gaze with a raised brow. The lab space behind the couch stood empty aside from his desk scattered with a mess of papers and diagrams. A slide folder filled with old stained slides sat on top where he’d been referencing them to verify some of the cellular structures of the different tissue types. Tiny slivers of kaiju flesh, cut and fixed and stained in special blends modified by Newton himself to correctly stain silicon-based organelles.

              “It’s not important anyway. Do you think the mess hall would still be open? I’m kind of hungry.”

              “Newton, are you feeling alright?” Newton blinked as he focused his attention back on Hermann who was watching him with confused concern. He got the sense that he’d said or done something wrong as he registered the expression. Why was Hermann so focused on worrying about this when he was the one doing his best to push it from Newton’s mind?

              “Yeah, yeah I think so. Just hungry and maybe still a little worn out. We were out in the sun for a long time this afternoon. I mean, dude, do you know how long it had been since I’d actually just sat out in the sun for more than a passing moment? Like; the lab was sort of my main habitat over the last few years.” Newton untangled them so he could stand up feeling the need to move around as a fresh wave of nerves overcame him. He paced a little as Hermann continued to sit and watch him with that same expression like he thought Newton was going crazy.

              “Newton, we have been inside all day…” Why had Newton thought they’d been outside? Hadn’t they gone to the beach earlier? _No, that was two days ago…_

              “Yeah and I got sunburned. Sorry it didn’t heal that quickly; I’ll put more aloe on it later,” Newton said in a huffy tone feeling confused and confrontational.

              “I think perhaps you should bring up the sleep walking the next time you visit the medical team about the symptoms of the drift. It’s important for them to know exactly what’s going on if we’re going to figure out a way to help-“

              “It’s Fine, Hermann! God, I said I did it as a kid it was just a few fucking steps. I don’t get why you’re making such a big deal out of it. If I had realized you were going to wig out about it I wouldn’t have said anything. I was just curious if you’d done it too. Maybe something’s wrong with you! Maybe that’s why you haven’t gone of a nocturnal walk, okay? Not that you’d make it very far tapping around with your fucking cane.” Newton motioned towards Hermann’s cane even as he felt his soul curdle a little at the horrible comment that slipped out of his mouth. In the silence that followed his outburst Newton and Hermann stared at each other with wide-eyes. Newton didn’t understand it, he didn’t really understand his anger but he knew he was furious. Hermann had just been trying to make sure he was okay but for some reason it had pissed him off in a way that hadn’t happened since they’d drifted together. Maybe hadn’t ever happened with Hermann before because Newton sort of hated himself just then for the way he was acting.

              Hermann’s mouth had been a bit agape but he closed it now as he sighed and straightened his shirt and vest. Newton shrunk inward as Hermann pulled himself to his feet, grabbing his cane from where it had been leaning against the side of the couch. “I apologize for expressing my concern, Dr. Geiszler. Perhaps it would be best if we returned to our separate quarters for the night.”

              “Hermms…” Newton’s voice felt distant and weak as he tried to reach out to touch Hermann’s shoulder as he passed. He tried to find the apology that would suffice but was coming up tongue tied with a knot in his throat that felt more like a hand wrapped tight around it. Hermann shrugged his hand away as he stomped over towards the door and Newton stood in the circle of light as he watched Hermann fade into the shadows before reappearing in the threshold.

              “Please do take the precaution of locking your door tonight. It would be a shame if _your_ mobility landed you somewhere unsafe.”

              “Hermann, I-“ The words fell off as Hermann stepped out into the hall and out of his field of view. Newton was left standing in the looming spaces of the lab with that sinking feeling that there was some monstrous being lurking in the shadows growing ever wider. A flicker of blue had him scampering out, taking the risk to pass through the darkened space to make it through the door. Hermann was already gone as he hastily stepped out and almost ran into a J-tech who was passing by. Newton managed to mutter the apology that he’d been trying to say to Hermann at last though it was to the wrong person at the wrong time.

              Newton tried to take a deep breath to steady his nerves as he started down the hallway with little idea of where he was going. He wasn’t tired, that was for sure, but he didn’t actually feel all that hungry anymore either. Going to his quarters knowing he’d just be on his own terrified him for reasons he didn’t fully understand so he started in the direction of the helipad out of habit. It’d been his spot when he’d been feeling a bit lost over the years and he could use the fresh air to maybe help clear his head.

              The warmth of the day seemed to have faded with the darkness and the height of the helipad as he stepped out to find a gust of wind pressing against him. Newton wished he had his jacket but the trek back down to his room to grab it seemed like a bit too much just then. He crossed his arms knowing he’d adjust soon enough as he walked out to the middle of the helipad and just laid down in the center of the large H; he’d have more than enough warning if a helicopter actually ended up coming in to land though there weren’t any planned visits that he knew of. The skies were clear and a few stars managed to wink at him through the light pollution. Newton took a deep breath and held it for a long moment as he tried to picture some of his overflowing energy running back down into the earth so he could just focus for a few minutes; to place himself inside that headspace of hypothesis, experimentation and conclusions.

              Empirically Newton knew that something was wrong. Despite what all the tests had so far stated he knew that something wasn’t entirely right up in his head. Hermann knew it too. Chuck as well. Yet, as a collective, that simple knowing wasn’t exactly helping to figure out just what was going on. The nightmares were a shared experience between Hermann and him; seemingly a simple trauma response from what they had witnessed in the drift. That flickering blue light, the headaches and the wonderful new development of sleepwalking were all his though. Those were Geiszler exclusives to this shit show.

              Newton had hypotheses because, of course, this wasn’t the first time he’d thought it over. He’d drifted twice with the Kaiju as opposed to Hermann’s once. His first hypothesis pertained to the fact that he had likely almost died that first time when he’d drifted on his own. He had definitely had a prolonged seizure that Hermann luckily had pulled him out of by disconnecting him from the drift. There were no signs of damage but the long-term effects of drifting between two people still weren’t technically fully understood. It was possible the seizure and the incompatible drift had altered something they just didn’t really understand yet either.

              It was likely permanent but how many more symptoms would develop was unknown. The sleepwalking, if it continued, was simply a newest addition to the list. His irritability was a possible secondary symptom as well. Newton had always been a bit quick to argue but he would have never made that sort of comment to Hermann. He still didn’t understand _why_ he had said that or why he’d gotten upset in the first place. That was two new symptoms in one day then; two new symptoms that arose two days after the worse migraine he’d had so far. The two events could be related; the migraine had gone away and hadn’t shown signs of returning but he’d seen that flickering artifact of light on the edges of his vision after waking up from his slumbering roundabout.

              Newton tried to focus on that. The waking up part. He’d been asleep. Had he been dreaming before he’d woken up? Inconclusive, Newton hadn’t been able to remember his dreams or nightmares since the drift. Where had he woken up? In the lab still; standing in the middle-

              Newton winced as it felt like something was scratching at his brain from inside his skull as he tried to think on that. No, no he hadn’t just been in the middle of the lab. Where had he woken up? _His hand was pressed up against the glass of the tank; dissected sections of past creations._ How had he forgotten that? Had he forgotten?

              Another hypothesis that Newton hadn’t really given thought to before rose to the forefront of his mind. Or had he thought about it before? Had he thought about it in the streets of Hong Kong as he fled from Otachi? As the kaiju had broken through concrete and steel to reach him; bioluminescent tendrils reaching? A blue aura illuminating his vision through broken and water-stained glasses. The hypothesis that they weren’t just migraines, it wasn’t just an aura and he hadn’t just been sleepwalking. That there was something more to it; that Hannibal Chau had been right. The drift was a two-way street.

              The itching scratching sensation grew painful like something was crawling inside his mind; inside his skull picking away at his grey matter as Newton cursed and he ran his hands through his hair, pressing fingertips into his scalp to try and ease that unreachable irritation. Digging to try and get that twitching, burrowing sensation to stop. He curled up tight against the feeling; against the clawing beast pulling at his mind.

              “Hey?” Newton blinked at the sound of the voice and found himself sitting on the edge of the helipad staring out towards the ocean. His arms rested on the safety railing that ran around it as his feet dangled over the edge to where the cliffs sat below, the crash of waves distant in the darkness. _It’d be so easy to slip through the cracks…_ What had he been thinking about? When had he moved from where he’d been sitting before? He looked up as someone shifted to sit down carefully besides him and found Chuck.

              “Hey.” Newton sniffled a little, realized he had tears on his cheeks that he hastily wiped away. It was because of the fight with Hermann.

_Hermann was being nosy, pushy, inconsiderate…_

              Had he been though? Newton closed his eyes for a moment as he leaned his forehead forward to rest against another one of those metal pipes of the railing. Chuck settled close next to him, their shoulders bumping as he pulled out and lit a cigarette before offering it in Newton’s direction.

              Newton could smell the smoke from it, cracked his eyes open to stare at it for a second before finally taking it from between Chuck’s fingers and sucking the carcinogens into his lungs. He knew that Chuck was watching him but Newton didn’t look in his direction. Instead he kept track of his movements out of the corner of his eyes as Chuck lit himself a cigarette as well before leaning against the railing to look down into the darkness below them.

              “You alright? You don’t usually sit out this far. Kind of thought you didn’t like heights.” Chuck draped an arm over Newton’s shoulder, warmth radiating off of him as always and Newton scooted a bit closer into that as he realized how cold he felt. It was like he was freezing from the inside out. Maybe he was sick?

              “Heights don’t bug me. And yeah, I’m fine, I think…I don’t know. I actually don’t fucking know if I’m fine. Everything is just kind of jumbled in my head right now and I don’t know.” Newton felt Chuck hug him a bit tighter against his side as he tried to figure out just what was going on in with him. All thought of approaching it with the scientific method was out the window just then and he was back to overwhelming emotion and confusion. “Hermann and I sort of had a fight. But I don’t know why I got so mad or why I said what I did. I was an ass, Chuck, like crossing that line from my normal levels of being a bit of an asshole and entering full on dick mode. And I don’t even really know why. And then, like, so I had a little bit of a sleep walking episode and ended up wandering a few feet away from where we’d been on the couch. And that’s weird but also not entirely unprecedented? And these fucking lights, these fucking blue flickering fucking lights in my fucking peripherals, man. But there’s nothing wrong. Nope. Scans aren’t showing anything wrong. How can they not be showing anything wrong? There’s so fucking obviously something fucking wrong. Like, I just…I…”

              Newton hadn’t noticed that he was crying again until his words failed him and he cursed loudly as he tried to wipe them away, almost burning himself with the cigarette as he did so. Chuck managed to snag it away from him before he caused injury or fire; tugged Newton close so he could hide his face against Chuck’s shoulder while he did his best to compose himself. Chuck let him sit there like that for a long time, let Newton steady himself some before he loosened up that hold so he could sit up straighter. Newton only met his eyes for a second before he had to look outward at the great expanse of the ocean. A light somewhere out on the waves bobbed; a boat adrift in a half dead sea.

              “I can’t make promises; you remember that?” They both leaned their elbows against the railing, staring out between the welded mass of pipes intended to keep them safe from slipping off that edge. Newton felt a little like he was falling already as Chuck spoke beside him; neither of them looking at the other but Chuck’s support a presence ever at his side.

              “Yeah, yeah I do. Hard to forget that.” Newton cringed a little at the dig. He was still maybe a little mad at how ready Chuck had been to die for the cause just a few months ago. Still ever aware of what it had cost him to come back instead.

              “I don’t care if I have to fund it myself to get you looked at by different doctors or what. We’ll do everything we can to figure this shit out. Like hell I’m going to have spent years listening to you pine after Gottlieb only for you to sudden turn full dick and ruin that shit, mate.”

              Newton gave a soft snort of amusement at the joke that Chuck delivered in such a perfectly deadpan manner. Okay, it was maybe only half a joke, Chuck probably would reem him if he somehow managed to fuck things up now. He glanced at Chuck and met his eye and the two of them slowly dissolved into a short bout of laughter that was lost to another sudden gust of wind.

              “Come on, you should get some rest. You look a bit like shit.” Chuck groaned a little as he stood up, right side leaning heavily against the railing as he offered Newton his hand. He took it but used the railing as well so that he didn’t accidentally do something to throw Chuck off balance. The limp in his stride was a bit more pronounced now at the end of the day but Newton bit his tongue on commenting. Chuck waited until they were through the more populated areas of the shatterdome and in the halls leading to the quarters before he started asking questions again. “So, you’re sleep walking now?”

              “It was only once dude. And, just like I told Hermann, I used to do it as a kid. Probably just too much energy and not enough sleep or something. Can we not get all worked up and focused on it cause there’s really nothing to it and I’m super tired of people feeling the need to make it a big thing.” Newton appreciated that he’d waited for some semblance of privacy but he really wished Chuck had just not asked in the first place. He felt some of that unwarranted irritation resurface as he did his best to deflect Chuck’s inquiry into it. _It would be better if you didn’t have to deal with them. They’re both so nosy and intrusive._ Newton, for a second, felt some vindication in the thought and then it was followed immediately by a sense of guilt. Because it _wouldn’t_ be better without Hermann and Chuck. It would be a whole lot shittier if he didn’t have Hermann and Chuck.

              “The only one I see getting worked up over it right now is you, mate.” Chuck was frowning at him as they stepped up to Newton’s door. He hesitated, suddenly very aware that he’d be sleeping alone for the first time basically since the drift. That he wouldn’t have Hermann there with him to help with the nightmares, to make sure he didn’t go stumbling out into the halls somewhere because really it was a legit concern. He shouldn’t have gotten so upset with Hermann for voicing what was a completely legit worry.

              “Yeah, sorry…sorry. I’m just on edge today for some reason and everything with Hermann didn’t help and we have those stupid deadlines where we basically have to justify our continued employment with the PPDC coming up and I just haven’t been able to get motivated to work on it. Which, like, normally is cool because I’ll get that last minutes burst of inspiration but those last minutes inspiration moments would normally have kicked in by now and I just feel like I don’t even want to touch it despite the fact that I don’t want to suddenly lose my position with the PPDC either. Will you stay with me? Like, can that be a thing? I don’t mean anything by it, just I…I don’t really want to be alone I feel like there’s bugs crawling around in my skull and I…I…” His words stalled out in his throat again. Newton knew what he wanted to say, he wanted to say he was worried that something was going wrong or was going to happen if he was by himself but the words just didn’t seem to make it through his vocal chords to be spoken out loud.

              Chuck looked like he was going to say no. Newton understood because they’d agreed if either of them got into an actual relationship that certain things they’d used to do wouldn’t be done anymore. But Newton wasn’t asking Chuck to _sleep_ with him; he was just asking him to legit sleep in the same room as him. He saw Chuck glance down the hall towards where Hermann’s door was only a short distance away and he prepared himself for the rejection. That Chuck would think it was too weird now, but instead Chuck shook his head lightly and patted him on the shoulder. “Yeah, let me go grab some stuff cause I’m not sleeping in jeans and none of your shit will fit. Go get settled, I’ll be back in a bit.”

              Newton nodded numbly before he finally opened the door to his room. He stepped inside feeling that strange restriction in his throat until it was closed behind him and he finally felt like he could talk. He let out a shaky breath; moving to change before Chuck got back so they could hopefully just go straight to sleep without more questions or concerned suggestions.

 

              Hermann had quickly learned how to have some control over the connection with Newton from the remains of their drift. He had learned how to put up mental barriers to keep his thoughts from flowing between them and also how to close out Newton to quiet his constant string of thoughts and feelings. It was never completely silent but it became more of a muffled background noise; like hearing a radio from the next room over at a low volume.

              It wasn’t that he didn’t appreciate the connection, one that had in a sense always existed but was more solidly existent now. But there had been times where one or the other had needed privacy or there was a need to actually talk about something. It’s what he had done earlier when he could tell his own concern over Newton’s state was only making his own build in a feedback loop of anxieties. He had closed him out which had given Hermann little to no understanding when Newton’s anger had flared up.  

              Newton had yet to master the ability to shut Hermann out on his own. Hermann was the switch on their interlocking circuit boards that would stop or start the flow of mutual currents. So, when Newton’s mind had gone startling silent in the back of his own; when Hermann had no longer been able to feel that pent up energy that always hummed in the back of his head even when he was blocking Newt out go full of static he had suddenly feared the worse. It had lasted fifteen, twenty minutes at most, but it had been a stark contrast to the last few months. He hadn’t known what to do, had felt disconnected from himself in those moments. He knew he should go check on him, should make certain Newton was alright and that something hadn’t really happened. Hermann had almost worked up the nerve to; had almost steeled himself against the thought that he may find the worse had finally come.

              And then Newton had suddenly snapped back into those far reaches of his mind. It had been a flood of confusion that had rushed through both of them.

_It would be so easy to slip through the cracks…_

              The thought had been a haunting whisper that brought a deep sadness settling over Hermann as he hesitantly gave Newton his privacy; lifting up those mental barriers. He could recognize that Newton was with Chuck and that the two of them were discussing what had happened. It wasn’t Hermann’s place to ease drop on that even though he felt a need to. Tomorrow perhaps some of the hurt between them will have settled and they both could discuss what had occurred.

              Hermann had been getting ready to settle into bed when he heard voices out in the hall. He could recognize Newton’s voice even though he was talking quieter than the man typically managed. There was at least some peace to be found to know that he had gotten back to his room for the night; that he was no longer on his own with the fear that, even now, Hermann could still sense leaking through those walls he’d built.  

              Hermann tried to resist the urge to peek out; to catch a glimpse of Newton who was talking with Chuck such a short distance away. Despite previous assurances he felt a small sense of jealously settle in his chest. It was ridiculous, of course, but in those quiet lonely moments sitting on the side of his bed it was hard not to let that old jealousy creep back in. He had been the one to set the boundary that they’d be sleeping in separate chambers for the night. Newton’s hurtful comment had been uncalled for even if he was upset, but still...

              The knock on his door caught him completely off guard and he jumped slightly at the sound. Hermann shifted to his feet, carefully prodding with his mind to see if it was perhaps Newton outside but he knew before swinging the door open that it wasn’t. Chuck stood there staring down the hall in the direction of Newton’s door with a brooding look on his face. Hermann recognized that look and what typically came with it. He steeled himself wondering just how much Newton had actually told him about the fight as he cleared his throat to pull Chuck’s attention to him.

              “You alright?” Both the question and the legitimate concern in Chuck’s voice caught Hermann off guard in light of Hermann expecting an accusation or anger. He had to stumble for a second to get his thoughts back on course from where they’d been derailed but sighed as he nodded.

              “Yes, I am quite fine though a bit…confused. Did he discuss with you that we had an argument of sorts?” Hermann tried to walk through the steps proceeding the fight in his own mind for what felt like the hundredth time. He still couldn’t fully quantify that sudden change in emotional state Newton seemed to have gone through. Hermann had felt his fear when he’d first woken up; how had that shifted so quickly to off-handed dismissal and then hurtful comments full of anger and spite?

              “A little. He’s pretty wired. I found him up on the helipad totally out of it and he’s kind of just wavered back and forth from seeming depressed to a little manic the whole time. I’m going to try and get him to go by neuro in the morning if he’ll hear me out.” Chuck stepped up the step so he could talk a little quieter as someone made their way past them in the hallway. It left them standing unusually close together and Hermann caught the unique menthol scent of Icy Hot. “Listen, I’m gonna stay with him tonight. He asked and he seemed really on edge so I think it’s probably the best since he won’t be with you. I just didn’t want you seeing me going in or out and thinking…you know…”

              Hermann knew perfectly well what Chuck was getting at but part of him wanted the man to say it. Perhaps it was some of that jealousy finding purchase in being mildly antagonistic or it was some of Newton’s own brash aggression slipping through in his own personality. Either way Hermann raised an eyebrow at Chuck in a questioning manner as though he didn’t catch his drift. As if he wasn’t excruciatingly aware that Chuck was trying to say that he wouldn’t be having sex with Newton just down the hall. As though Hermann wasn’t fully aware that in the past that activity had, in fact, occurred.

              Chuck seemed to flounder for a few seconds as he waved idly with his hand as though that would help get the point across. Hermann knew the moment that Chuck realized what he was doing because Chuck’s eyes narrowed in a sharp look that was part irritation and part amusement. “You know what? We’re going to be having a lot sex just down the hall from you so don’t wake us early. We’ll probably still be worn out.”  

              Hermann hated that he felt some doubt about whether Chuck was just trying to annoy him or not. He had to bite back several scathing comments as Chuck rolled his eyes and turned to start back down the couple of steps that lead to his door. Hermann gave a huff as he reached his cane out to gently catch him by the shoulder. “Thank you, Mr. Hansen, for making sure he isn’t on his own tonight. And for keeping an eye on him. Will you make sure you lock the door to his room before you both fall asleep? He has started sleep walking and I worry…”

              “Yeah…course.” Chuck shrugged a little though he stayed hesitantly at the bottom of the stairs for a few more seconds. “You have a goodnight, Dr. Gottlieb.” Chuck took another step but then turned back around seeming utterly annoyed. “You know…we aren’t really.”

              “I understood, Mr. Hansen, please do not feel the need to clarify any further,” Hermann said with a shake of his head feeling exasperated now. Chuck nodded seeming utterly self-conscious himself as he gave a wave over his shoulder.

              “Right. Good talk, mate.”

 

              Chuck had spent the night with Newton curled up against him in an uneasy sleep which had meant he’d not gotten much rest himself. He’d known the nightmares were bad but he hadn’t expected the level of fitfulness he’d ended up dealing with. It hadn’t helped that his right side had been a tense ball of knotted muscles and aching bones. He finally drifted off in the early morning hours only to wake up what felt like a few short hours later to find himself alone in the bed. He rolled over so he could take a look at the alarm clock and found Newton standing in the darkness a short distance away watching him.

              Chuck froze, arm reaching out towards the clock as he felt some instinctual feelings of unease run down his spine. Newton was just standing in the middle of the room, eyes open and watching Chuck in a way that seemed like he was awake but at the same time distant and unfamiliar. Chuck shifted to sit up slowly as he tried to gauge what to do but then Newton blinked rapidly and stifled a yawn.

              “Hey, sorry, did I wake you up? I just got up to pee; it’s only like four in the morning so we can go back to sleep for a bit unless you have to be up?” Newton shuffled to the bed and sat down next to him like nothing unusual had just happened. Chuck glanced at the alarm clock with growing concern.

              “Newt…it’s six-thirty.” Chuck watched as Newton went from looking confused to almost angry as he leaned across him to grab the alarm clock and look at it. He couldn’t see Newt’s face with him all but lying across his lap to get to the clock but Chuck could sense the shift in him all the same.

              “Shit.” Newton muttered the words as he slowly sat up, avoiding Chuck’s eyes. He started to bite at his thumbnail looking like he’d hardly slept at all. Chuck had therapy, knew that he’d get a lot of shit from Beau if he missed it. But he also had a time scheduled with Raleigh for training in the Kwoons later that afternoon. Chuck could afford to miss a day of therapy especially since he had a work out planned later on anyway. He wrapped his arms around Newton, pulling him back down into the bed to curl up together there. Newt shifted so he could press his face against Chuck’s shoulder, their legs tangling. He’d have to find Hermann later, would have to tell him that Newton had been sleep walking again though he’d at least not gone anywhere.

              “I think you should go to neuro today, Newt.”

              “I know. I will. Later though.” Chuck sighed and nodded his head. He had thought the war was over but it seemed like there were still plenty of battles to be fought. Chuck just wasn’t sure if he was equipped to fight this one. It took a lot longer than he liked but he eventually felt Newton drift back to sleep beside him and Chuck lay there listening to his breathes rise and fall. He knew he should get more rest himself but he wanted to be awake, to be aware if Newton tried to get up again in his sleep.

              He just slept though, stirring occasionally as some nightmare or another seemed to unsettle him. Chuck finally got them both up around ten because he knew that Newton had work to do. They got dressed and ready in relative silence which was unusual and troubling. Newton rarely just did things in silence without some sort of commentary or train of thought. They stepped out his room together which would likely cause some rumors as a few people noted them exiting. Chuck shot a small group a glare as they passed by whispering back and forth but couldn’t quite find the heart to do much more than that. Hermann knew why Chuck was there and he was really the only one he gave a shit about.

              “You’re going to go by neuro, right, mate? Maybe before you head off to the labs?” Newt seemed to be waffling on this now and Chuck gave him a stern look. He needed to grab some food and mitigate any issues that his missed therapy session was going to raise before he was supposed to meet Beckett. “Newt, go by fucking neuro. Even if all they do is mark down this stuff about the sleep walking it’s better than trying to ignore it.”

              “Alright, alright. I’ll go by neuro. I just…want to stop by the labs first. See if Hermann’s there and if he’ll talk to me.” Newton sighed as he tugged nervously at his tie and glanced down the hall. Chuck shook his head as he patted him on the cheek.

              “Yeah, fine, go talk to him. Apologize, right? Remember, you aren’t a dick you’re just an asshole or whatever it is you like to say.” Newton gave a soft half-hearted laugh as he swatted Chuck’s hand away. He was hesitant to leave him on his own but he couldn’t just tail Newton everywhere he went either. “Talk later?”

              “Yeah, of course. I’ll, uh, let you know what they say about the sleep walking stuff.” Chuck nodded, eyeing Newton for a few seconds before resigning himself to head up to the mess hall. He was about to turn to start down the hall when Newton suddenly caught him in a tight hug that about crushed the air out of him. “Thanks Chuck…for being here.” Chuck smiled as he pressed a kiss to the top of Newton’s head and then ruffled his hair.

              “Always, mate. Now go, make up with your Dr. Gottlieb.” Newton nodded his head though he held onto Chuck for a little while longer before he let go and started down the hall at a quick pace.

 

              Chuck got reamed by Herc for missing his appointment because of course he’d found out about it. He tried to explain that he had something more important to deal with but Chuck didn’t give more than that which just ended up with Herc and him at odds. Herc wanted a reasonable explanation but Chuck didn’t feel it was the best idea to be telling others about Newton’s medical issues. He’d be irritated if someone he’d confided in did the same to him.

              By the time he got to the Kwoons room to meet up with Raleigh, another thing Chuck wasn’t going to be telling Herc about, he was in the mood for a fight. They’d met the day before for their first sparring match and Raleigh had moved at an agonizingly slow pace. Chuck had tried his best not to complain though because he understood that Raleigh was actually risking a reprimand for doing this for him. Chuck still didn’t understand why Raleigh was doing this for him.

              Chuck worked on stretching as he waited for Beckett to show up. He hadn’t ever fully seen the value in stretching before his injuries. He had found now though that not stretching meant even more pain and less mobility. And so, he sat with his legs stretched out in front of him, leaning forward to rest his elbows on the floor to get his lower back and hips where most of the pain liked to rest warmed up and stretched out.

              “You might be able to go a little lower. Is it alright if I help?” He had heard Raleigh enter the room and moved to sit up straight when he felt the hand on his back between his shoulders. He hesitated but then lowered down into the stretch once more as Raleigh gently pushed down to help him get lower. He could feel the muscles in his hip; that knotted bunch ease in a slow ache until it seemed to give and loosen some. After a few more seconds Raleigh’s hand disappeared from his back though as Chuck sat back he was moving to sit besides him. “Another good one is to have one leg tucked under you like this while keeping the other one out forward. Hits some different areas.”

              “Are we going to spar or are we going to do yoga? Cause I’m not really here for a yoga lesson.” Chuck moved to stand up despite knowing he could use more stretching. He was ready to be hitting something; or trying to hit something was more accurate at the moment. Raleigh had ended up technically beating him the day before even though they ‘weren’t keeping score’ supposedly. Like hell Chuck wasn’t going to keep score.

              “Just trying to help,” Raleigh said with that barely contained exasperation that sometimes seemed reserved just for him. Chuck moved to pick up one of the Bo staffs that Raleigh favored and gave him an expectant look as hr moved to get back on his feet. “Remember what I said yesterday. We’re going slow; no take downs right now. We’ll work up to an actual spar with some time.”

              “Yeah. Got it. Slow and boring.” Raleigh gave him a disapproving look though he still picked up his own staff as they moved to the center of the room. Chuck preferred fists, preferred kick boxing or krav maga, but he’d been trained across disciplines and could handle himself in bojutsu. They both took up their starting stances across from each other though Raleigh was still looking a bit uncertain.

              “How’d therapy go this morning?” Chuck ground his teeth together a little at the question, moved without warning to take a swing at Raleigh who quickly moved to block it. The reverberation of the contact felt like it vibrated straight through his arm to his shoulder but Chuck ignored it.

              “It didn’t. I had something else I needed to take care of. I already rescheduled for tomorrow with Beau.” Chuck shifted, moving to swing the staff around to the other side but Raleigh easily moved to block that blow as well. This time he took hold of the other end of Chuck’s staff to keep him from swinging it a third time.

              “Part of this agreement was that you’d keep up with your therapy too, Chuck. Skipping out on it the second day isn’t exactly promising.” Chuck tugged the staff out of Raleigh’s hand and reset his stance. Raleigh just stood there and shook his head though as he refused to play along.

              “I didn’t skip it because of our damn sparring session, Rahls. I had something else I needed to take care of that was important. Now are we going to fucking spar or not because if I’m wasting my time I can go hit the gym instead.” Raleigh gave him a look that clearly said he was done and over his attitude. Still he squared up across from Chuck as he took a deep breath like he was doing his best not to get mad.

              “Slowly, now. And remember-“

              “Yeah, yeah. No take downs.” Chuck said as he watched Raleigh shift his stance. They circled a little for a moment as they both tried to figure out the best opening. Chuck let Raleigh move first this time if only to get him off his back about jumping into it too quickly before. It took an excruciatingly long time but then Raleigh finally made his attack; starting low and then swinging high when Chuck blocked the first hit. Chuck almost got him after blocking this hit too but Raleigh stepped back out of the way. He was quicker than him; far nimbler in his movements while Chuck was used to barreling forward. Raleigh slipped past him and Chuck felt the staff tap him in the ribs as Raleigh scored a point.

              “Is everything alright?”

              “What?” Chuck frowned as they re-centered once more; Raleigh watching him thoughtfully as Chuck rolled his shoulders for a second to try and loosen them up. He knew he should have stretched more but the fight felt good. Helped clear his head and take his mind off of things and yet here was Beckett trying to bring it all up again.

              “With the thing you had to take care of this morning? It’s all good now, right?” Chuck took a few seconds to readjust his grip. It was an excuse to buy him some time because he didn’t know how to answer that question just yet. Raleigh gave him that time, waited patiently until Chuck met his eyes and gave a short nod of his head to indicate he was ready. Raleigh made the first move once more; this time going high first in a fake out swing that left Chuck open as he moved to block it. Raleigh swept down low then and caught Chuck in the back of the knee. The full move would have taken Chuck down to the floor but Raleigh pulled up short with just a firm tap to make his point before they separated.

              “I don’t know yet but I don’t think so. It’s…something that’s taking a little time.” Raleigh gave him a momentary frown before he seemed to catch up with what Chuck was talking about. He couldn’t tell him everything, wouldn’t. It wasn’t Raleigh’s business, it was only Chuck’s business because he was Newton’s friend and confidant. “It’s not something that’s really in my control but I’m trying to…I don’t know mitigate shit.” Raleigh nodded slowly like he was taking that in and they returned to their places once again. This time Chuck managed to land the point as he anticipated Raleigh’s fake out move to his left and caught him on the hip with his staff.

              “You know, if you ever need to talk to someone about things…” Chuck gave a soft laugh at this as he took his stance across from Raleigh who was giving him those soft concerned puppy dog eyes.

              “I’m not here for a damn therapy session, Beckett. Now come on, we only have the place for an hour and I intend to use it.” Raleigh stood with his staff at his side for a long moment as he eyed Chuck. It pressed every button for him; that soft look that was too close to pity for his tastes. Finally, Raleigh moved into position and as soon as he did Chuck went for him. They clashed several times, the staffs cracking together as Chuck swung in quick succession, tired of the slow tame pace of their bouts.

              Chuck finally saw an opening and took it as he swung high at Raleigh. When he blocked the blow, it brought them close enough together that Chuck pressed his hip into Raleigh’s while taking hold of his wrist and twisting to knock Raleigh down to the side. Instead Raleigh used the momentum to bring Chuck with him, hooking onto his staff as they both went tumbling and Raleigh flipped him down onto his back before standing with both staffs in his hands. Raleigh tapped him lightly on the cheek with one of the staffs before offering it to him to help him back to his feet.

              “You didn’t have enough leverage and you gave me enough time to maneuver to use your own force against you. Next time you don’t want to be as close and hook my ankle with yours. Also, do that again and we’re done for the day. I told you, we’re taking it slow.” Chuck pulled himself up with the offered staff end but when he tried to take it from Raleigh the other held onto it tightly pulling them close. “Slow, right?”

              “Slow.” Chuck said doing his best to put every ounce of sarcasm into the word but Raleigh gave him a smile and a nod as he let go of the staff with a slight push.

              “Good. Now come on, we only have forty minutes left and I thought you intended to use it all.”


	4. Our Ocean Graves Are Just Beyond The Sands

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A sudden shift in behavior for Newton speaks of disaster as the symptoms of the drift quickly coalesce into more than he wished to believe.

            Newton’s fingers drummed along the wall as he headed down the hall towards the lab. He knew he needed to go to medical to see neuro but Hermann came first. He didn’t like how things had been left the night before and was still feeling confused by it in the first place. He hoped that Hermann would be in the labs and that he wouldn’t have to search for him. It was where he had been able to routinely find Hermann for the last ten years but things had changed after the breach was closed. There wasn’t as much reason for either of them to get into the lab first thing each day.

            When he reached the door he peeked inside but found it looming empty and quiet. It was dark inside as well and Newton felt that sinking queasy feeling in his gut again. There was the return of that sense of something lurking in the darkness somewhere waiting for him to enter. The hushed whisper of voices in the back of his mind that set his hair on end. He took a shuddering breath and turned around pressing his back against the wall so he didn’t have to look into that liminal space that had once been home. He knew this wasn’t normal; that he needed to get to neuro and let them try to figure out what was going on.

            There was a rushing noise in his head like the crash of a tidal wave washing through the halls. It grew louder and louder until it seemed deafening and Newton pressed his hands over his ears as he closed his eyes tightly against it. He expected a physical blow; the crash of some force against him.

            Instead he was greeted by silence and darkness. Newton became aware that he was standing in the storage in the basement staring up at a glowing tank that held an eldritch being pressing a detached neural limb against the glass. The PONs rig from his makeshift drifting device was on his head and there was the taste of blood in the back of his throat.

            “No…no, no, no, nononononono…” Newton scrambled, tried to get the device off him in a panic. “Hermann! Hermann!” He called even though he knew that Hermann wasn’t there. He called out in his mind too trying desperately to relay that he needed help. Someone’s hands grabbed him to hold him down even as that rushing wave was engulfing him inside his mind. He realized this time it was those same voices; whispering and hissing as they filled up the space in his head and Newton felt like he was being choked down into the writhing throat of some invisible being.

            He couldn’t move and as he screamed he was met with shattering silence. The world scattered into a million pieces around him before shrinking back down into a singular point. A star in the darkness that was being snuffed out by a turbulent sea. He felt a moment where something seemed to reach for him but then the doors slammed shut and he was floating.

            Newton opened his eyes but felt as though he was still asleep as he looked down the hall. There was a man wearing a J-tech uniform standing in front of him talking, pressing a card into his hand. Newton tried to remember his name, found he couldn’t and wasn’t certain if that was a lapse in memory or simply that he truly didn’t know the man. They were still in the basement levels standing outside the storage area and Newton could hear himself speaking without intention to.

            “I appreciate you looking into this. I hope you understand that discretion is key at the moment. The false prophets have not prevailed; you will all be delivered.” They were still there; surrounding him, engulfing him as he tried to take control of his own body. Of his own voice. The man practically bowed to him, pressed kisses onto the back of his hand before turning and walking away. The multitude of voices hissed and laughed at him in that hollowed out space he occupied that was both a part of and detached from himself.

            He turned to look once more into the storage room to that floating piece of brain in the tank now covered with a sheet. The piece of brain that shouldn’t exist and yet did. He knew which kaiju it had come from; recognized it in his mind the moment they’d linked and the hivemind had overwhelmed. It had only breathed for a few moments outside the womb but it knew him. It knew him all too well. The world flickered and shifted; rubble filled streets and rainfall. Cold and full of fear.

            Newton blinked and found himself somewhere else as the elevator doors opened. He...they had cleaned up the blood off his upper lip and had taken the time in the bathroom to splash some soapy water into his right eye so they both looked red and irritated. They smiled… _he_ smiled at one of the real J-techs that sidestepped him to get into the elevator as he got off. Somewhere deep and dark inside there was turmoil and loss and confusion but their voices drowned it out easily; at least for the time being.

 

            Hermann had let himself take time getting up that morning. The nightmares had been worse than normal the night before. He wasn’t certain if it was Newton’s absence besides him or if it had simply been his stress manifesting itself. They had been raw and terrifying though and when he’d first woken up he’d felt unsettled and exhausted. He had tried to pull himself out of bed but had been worn down by that fatigue that had him wondering if he was getting ill. He had sent Tendo a text to see if he was free to meet up with later. Had debated on texting Newton as well but quietly set his phone down as he curled back up under the blankets. He hadn’t allowed himself to sleep in for years, hadn’t let himself take time to be ill since the start of the war. And so, he’d given himself more time to rest.

            When he woke up next it was more of a falling out of sleep due to sheer fear. He sat up in bed tearing at his own throat in a panic as lingering images tugged at his mind. Had they been the same nightmares? Those memories that had been imprinted on his mind during the drift? Or had there been something different there in those blue-hued places. He thought he felt Newton reaching out to him for just a second but then it had gone quiet once more. Hermann tentatively felt out and he felt something respond but it was a bit colder than Newton normally was.

            Hermann swallowed roughly thinking he could taste that thick blood running down the back of his throat. He forced himself to get up this time, to be productive if only to escape those nightmares that came with sleep. He showered and changed before brushing his teeth for an extra long time to try and get that lingering coppery taste from his mouth. He half expected to see red when he spat out the residual toothpaste but there was no blood as the water washed it all away.

            He couldn’t shake the feeling that there was something wrong. Something off that he just couldn’t quite grasp. He reached out again towards Newton in the back of his mind and got a response but it seemed to almost physically send a chill through him. Hermann sent another text then, one to Chuck this time after much hesitation. He would know though if something was wrong with Newton; if something had changed overnight.

 

_Are you still with Newton? How is he this morning?_

 

            Hermann instinctively started towards the lab then since he didn’t know where else to go. Newton would likely be down there now hurrying to try and finish his report before he missed the deadline. It was a familiar state of chaos that he’d grown accustomed to over the years. Hermann felt his phone go off in his pocket part way down to the lab and he pulled it out to find a response from Chuck.

 

**_No, said he was going to find you when I left him then go to neuro. Didn’t find you?_ **

 

_No…I was not feeling well this morning. I’m heading down to the lab now; I’m sure he’s there if not still in medical._

 

            Hermann sighed as he tucked the phone back into his pocket and started on his way once more. He perhaps walked a little faster as he did; feeling concerned as he finally turned the last corner and the lab doors came into sight. They were open and the lights appeared to be on in the lab as music blasted out of the space and Hermann instantly felt more at ease. As he stepped into the space he found Newton sitting on the couch with his laptop as he typed away. He seemed to have dug out his old collection of eighties music as ballads played out from his desktop computer.

            “Hello Newton.” Hermann took a few more steps into the lab and Newton looked up seeming a bit startled when he heard his voice. Hermann watched him close the laptop quickly as he gave him a wide smile as though nothing had happened between them the night before.

            “Heeey Hermann. Just getting some work done. That reports due soon so I was just finishing it up.” Hermann nodded at this as he watched Newton get up from the couch. Chuck had said that he’d seemed a little manic last night and that would about describe Newton just then as well. He seemed overly happy, overly energetic as he seemed to bounce for a second as he stretched and then moved over to where Hermann was standing. Newton pressed a kiss against Hermann’s cheek and then patted him on the shoulder before walking past him to his desktop computer to turn the music down. Hermann noted that his eyes were red and irritated like he’d been crying or hadn’t slept well the night before. Hermann wasn’t certain if this cheerfulness was an act or if Newton was far more out of balance than he had realized.

            “Newton, perhaps we should talk? About yesterday?” Hermann frowned as Newton gave him another smile from over his shoulder. The smile faltered for a moment on Newton’s face and Hermann felt a small rise of nerves and something deeper stir in the back of his mind where his connection with Newton lived. Hermann caught a second of an immense sadness on Newton’s face before he cleared his throat and turned away from him.

            “Yeah, you know, I wanted to apologize for that. I’m just really tired of feeling like everyone’s having to dote on me. I’m fine, you know, things are just different and I have some lingering effects but that’s just to be expected, right? So, I’m sorry if I was a bit harsh, really, I am. No hard feelings, right?” Newton’s voice was chipper as he spoke though he only glanced back at Hermann a few times instead of looking directly at him.

            “Did you go by neuro this morning, Newt? Ranger Hansen said you had the intention of-“

            “Yeah, okay, yeah I went to neuro. Nothing’s changed just like always. They did all their little…whatever and it came back normal. All good! Nothing to worry about,” Newton said with a sudden rash of irritation. Hermann huffed as he felt his own temper rise and he shifted to step over to where Newton was as he turned the music up louder than before seeming to be trying to drown out any further conversation. Hermann leaned around him and pressed the space key to cut the song off and Newton turned around immediately to confront him in a way that was almost startling. Hermann stood his ground in the face of it; had never had trouble standing his ground against Newton but for a moment he felt uncertain on his position as Newt practically snarled at him.

            “Neuro has never said that there was nothing to worry about, Newton, only that they couldn’t pinpoint what the problem was. Tell me the truth, did you go by medical and actually talk about the fact that you have started sleepwalking?” Newton seemed to be reeling himself back some as he put on another smile that seemed a bit like he was bearing his teeth at Hermann. He gave a husky laugh as he shook his head and pressed his fingertips against Hermann’s chest to push him back to make some space between them.

            “Yeah and like I said. Nothing changed. You know, Hermann, I was thinking that maybe you were right. We need a bit of a break from each other, a little bit of space. It was a good idea and I think it might do us both some good to do so. So, how about we agree to take a few days? Try and not see each other for a little bit, yeah?” Hermann frowned softly as he watched Newton who was still giving him that almost bitter smile but also had tears brimming in his eyes.

            “Newton, that isn’t what I was suggesting last night. I…One night isn’t the same as a few days,” Hermann said as he tentatively reached forward to try and wipe those tears away. For just a moment Newton leaned into his touch, nuzzled against his hand as a sob actually snuck through and broke Hermann’s heart. But that moment passed quickly as Newton took a deep breath and knocked his hand aside.

            “Well, that’s what I’m suggesting. I’m going out for a bit but I’d like it if we avoided each other for a little while, alright Hermann? I’m sorry…but I think it might be for the best.” Hermann restrained himself from reaching out to stop him as Newton stepped around him this time. He took the time to grab the laptop he’d been working on but then left the lab and Hermann behind.  

 

            Chuck headed down towards the lab the moment he’d finished his shower. He’d gotten Hermann’s texts just after the sparring session with Raleigh had wrapped up. If he found out that Newton hadn’t actually gone to neuro he was going to drag him there himself if Hermann wasn’t already doing so. He rounded the corner to step into the lab and thought at first it was empty other than the music that was playing.

            “If you’re looking for Dr. Geiszler, Ranger, I’m afraid you just missed him.” Chuck frowned as he heard Hermann’s voice from back by the chalkboards. The music was playing on Newton’s computer and definitely sounded like some of the shit he listened to. Hermann was sitting on the rungs of his ladder though, hands and chin resting on the top of his cane as he frowned at the empty space across from him. He looked up when Chuck came into his view and gave him a half-hearted wave as he sat up a bit straighter.

            “You two have another row, Doc?” Chuck pulled the chair from Hermann’s desk and turned it to face him so he could sit down. Hermann sighed and ran a hand through his hair as he studied Chuck like he was debating whether to talk to him or not.

            “Not precisely. Dr. Geiszler has just decided we need to take a bit more time apart apparently. We are supposed to avoid seeing each other until…well, I’m not quite sure until when.” Hermann shifted up to stand, straightening himself out as Chuck frowned. He was going to have to go up and check to see if Newton was up on the helipad in a bit. He hadn’t mentioned anything about suggesting that Hermann and him should put some space between them that morning. He’d seemed more intent on seeing him and apologizing at least from what Chuck had understood.

            “He just said that? You two didn’t get into it again or anything?” Chuck returned the glare that Hermann momentarily gave him. He knew that Hermann probably took it as an accusation that he’d done something to make Newton feel that it was necessary to extend their break. Chuck was maybe completely making that suggestion because he couldn’t really picture Newton just decided he didn’t want to see Hermann for a few days.

            “Yes, that is just what he said. I came here and found him working. I asked if he had gone to neuro and he said he had and that they found nothing. He then got upset with me for even asking like last night and said that _I_ had had the right idea with us taking some time apart. I…” Hermann spoke in his offended tone that Chuck had heard a lot of during the war. He lost some of his steam though towards the end and gave Chuck a bit of a lost look. “I’m worried that something is wrong but that he doesn’t want to tell me. That this isn’t just an argument but I don’t want to ignore his wishes if he truly does just want some time apart.”

            “Look, I’ll try talking to him and see if I get anything from him. He didn’t act like he wanted space from you this morning so…” Chuck sucked in a breath between his teeth feeling frustrated. He wasn’t sure Newton would tell him if neuro had found something troubling. Chuck was pretty sure he’d be able to tell though by how he reacted. He had been hoping he was done trying to get these two to be open with each other but apparently that wasn’t something he was getting out of even with a drift between them. “Does he feel different?” Chuck frowned as he motioned towards his temple to get the point across and could see the flicker of doubt on Hermann’s face.

            “He has…felt different for a while now. I don’t think I’ve ever really gotten a steady state from him other than those first few weeks after we drifted. Ever since some of the side effects started up he’s been a constant shifting tide of emotions but…he has always been very open before now. I am usually the one that has to close him out if we want privacy from that connection. I would say I’ve noticed he’s been closing me out more recently or at least trying to. He gets quieter sometime, harder to sense.” Hermann sounded tired as he pinched the bridge of his nose. Chuck felt that familiar craving for a cigarette which was likely good because he had a good idea where he’d find Newton anyway.

            “Right. You think medical will talk to you if you go ask them what tests neuro ran today?” Hermann gave a short shake of his head as he straightened his shirt momentarily in a self-conscious manner before starting towards the laboratory door. Chuck stayed sitting as he watched Hermann walk over to him to place a hand momentarily on his shoulder as he passed by.

            “Likely not and it wouldn’t be my place to intrude as it is. I do appreciate you taking the time to talk with him though. I hope he will confide in you even if he doesn’t feel able to talk with me about what is going on. If you’ll excuse me; I need to go meet with Mr. Choi about some data points involved in the closure of the breach.”

            “Talk to you later, Dr. Gottlieb.”

            “Ranger Hansen.” Chuck sat for a while longer look across the lab at Newton’s space. It had been brimming with stuff through the entire time he’d known him. Newton always had samples all over the place as well as musical instruments, stacks of notebooks and general mess. That space had been slowly growing emptier and emptier over the last few weeks as the larger tanks were moved to storage to eventually be shipped off to bigger labs with more equipment. Some were supposed to be destroyed as they were too far degraded for use anyway.

            The clutter was disappearing as well though. The piano still sat in its corner but there had been a keyboard leaned close by once before and Newton’s familiar blue and black guitar was missing. The notebooks had either been cleaned into neat stacks or been packed away as well. Chuck shoved up out of his chair as he felt his tired muscles tightening the longer he sat still. He didn’t need the stiffness settling in just yet. He stepped over to Newton’s desk and hit the key on the keyboard that would stop the music from playing. He was about to step away to head up towards the helipad hoping that Newton had found his way up there as well when he paused with a small frown. He nudged a report out of the way to pick up the business card he had spotted; the symbol for Shao Industries imprinted on the end.

            _Shao Liwen_ was printed on the front of the card with contact information and when Chuck flipped it over the back had a neatly scrawled message on it.

 

_An offer will be made; simply make contact to set things in motion. We look forward to working with you._

 

            Chuck for a moment felt like someone was watching him and he glanced up towards the door thinking either Hermann had come back or Newton had shown up. The doorway was empty but he heard footsteps retreating down the hall as though someone had just passed by. Chuck watched a moment longer before setting the card back down on the desk with a lot more on his mind to talk to Newton about.

 

            Newton could breathe again though he could tell he wasn’t really back in control. It felt like there was a collar around his throat that could be pulled tight at any moment. The rain at least felt nice. It was coming down in a steady drizzle and his clothes had soaked through a while ago. He’d come up here because he knew going to find Hermann would be a mistake. _They_ knew it would be. But they didn’t seem to give Chuck the same weight of concern. And so, he’d brought them all up there to sit in the rain while he waited.

            And just as he’d expected Chuck had come and sat down next to him after a long amount of time passed. He cursed and grumbled about the weather but just pulled his jacket a little tighter and then hugged Newton close to him. Newton knew better than to think he could come out and just tell him. Knew he had to be careful or they’d throw him back into that strange disconnected space they seemed to have manipulated into existence in his mind. Chuck was warm against his side and Newton pressed into the warmth if only for some comfort.

            “You know I’m gonna ask, don’t you, mate?” Newton sighed as he buried his face against Chuck’s shoulder like that would keep him there. Ground him in place and stop them from being able to take over. “Come on, Newt, what’s the deal with blowing up at Hermann again and telling him you want space?”

            “I just need to breathe,” Newton said because it was the truth but it wasn’t at the same time. How long had they been working behind the scenes in his own mind? Since the drift? Since that first migraine? They had made him forget so silently and precisely.

            “That the same reason you’re thinking of leaving for Shao’s?” Newton stilled; or more they stilled as their presence rushed back in with suspicion as his eyes raised to look at Chuck’s face. To try and gauge what he knew and what he didn’t. Chuck had shifted to light a cigarette, arm wrapping a bit tighter around Newton as he tried to get the end of it lit.

            “Someone just told me there might be an offer if I was interested. I haven’t made any decisions yet. I just…With everything going on with me maybe it’s better if Hermann and I pull back a little. Take it easy until we know that we’ve properly sorted out our own thoughts and aren’t just muddied water.” Chuck finally got the cigarette to light and he took a long drag off of it before he offered it towards Newton’s. They shook his head as he sat up straight, took his weight off Chuck now that the hold wasn’t there. Chuck looked at him, met his eyes and held his gaze and Newton prayed. Prayed that he’d see that something was wrong. That something would look different.

            “Maybe you should actually talk to him about what’s going on instead of deciding it’s better to just push him away there, Newt. You two have been pinning after each other for fucking years. Didn’t you say this was supposed to be your happily ever or some shit like that?” Chuck frowned at him and their hold eased only a little. They were recalculating, trying to decide just where on the threat scale Chuck landed. They were leaning towards the lower end; they were doing what so many people did: underestimate him.

            “I’m going to talk to him, I am. I think I just need a little bit of time. I just need a few days, I’m not asking for forever here.” Newton pulled away from the eye contact as he shifted to lean back against the wall. Put a little more space between the two of them and he noticed Chuck’s eyes narrow just slightly. Hoped that they hadn’t noticed. Hoped they didn’t realize just how observant Chuck could be.

            “Does this have anything to do with what neuro said this morning?” Chuck’s tone was a little softer, more concerned than before as he glanced up at the sound of thunder from above. They should probably head in soon; get out of the rain as the storm started to pick up.

            “Maybe.” Chuck looked at him for a long time as though waiting for him to elaborate. Newton just turned his face up towards the sky; leaned a little closer when he felt their hold relax and he let himself enjoy the feel of the raindrops on his face and his friend by his side. “They think more tests are required.” The words weren’t his and yet they were. Chuck hugged him closer; pressed a kiss to his temple as they sat until the arc of lightning flashed across the sky; dangerous and close.

 


	5. I Hear the Voice of Rage and Ruin

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Newton struggles to keep pieces of him secret and separate as he falls further under the Precursor's control; now completely aware of what is happening.   
> Chuck gets in a confrontation when he realizes Newton's trying to sell something important to him and starts to suspect the worse.   
> Mako unexpectedly gets Chuck to talk to her even just a little.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter Title is from "Bad Moon Rising" by Creedence Clearwater Revival.

            Little packets. Little packets of information and items tucked away where they couldn’t be reached. Couldn’t be accessed. That was what Newton had at the moment. Over the course of the week it had gotten worse, those intruding voices in his head that sometimes wrenched control of his body to get rid of pieces of him. He had packed some of the more important things in boxes when he’d been able to. Tucked them away behind Hermann’s chalkboards where they wouldn’t think to look and Hermann wouldn’t likely notice them for a while anyway.

            He’d been doing the same thing with memories and information in his mind. Picking the pieces that were either most important to him or that would serve them too well. Things that might trigger a response from someone around him if they suddenly didn’t know what they were talking about or asking. Fold them up, tucked them away in those spaces they hadn’t managed to get their hold in quite yet.

            He hadn’t managed to get everything tucked away in time though. That was startlingly obvious as he stood in the visitor’s hall of the Shatterdome talking with some dudebro who had answered an ad online. Their ad. They were selling his guitar. The case sat open between them at their feet as the guy pawed at his baby; commenting on the stickers that had been slapped on the finish of the guitar over the years. Some were gifts; others he’d bought himself to put on the guitar. In one of the places you could still see the blue finish of the guitar coming through they’d scrawled his name in his own handwriting. Newton was dying inside but he couldn’t quite get a hold. Couldn’t quite take enough of himself back just then to stop this from happening. He was having a harder time keeping them out of the whole of him while still protecting those important bits and pieces.

            They had made him drift again the other night. That same strange man lingering in the background whisper odd little things to himself that seemed almost like prayers. Newt knew, in some sense, that he was a cultist; some fanatic they had managed to convince before Newton even understood what was happening to himself.

            He hadn’t talked with Hermann for an entire week. He was cursing Hermann’s ability to respect boundaries given they weren’t even boundaries Newton had wanted established. Hermann wouldn’t know that though; just like he had his hidden little capsules they had made him a hidden capsule from Hermann. Newton could feel him sometimes; feel his quiet inquiries that they dismissed and tried to block out.

            “Yeah, really I’m giving you a great deal on this especially now that it’s signed. I mean, can’t get much better than a signed personal guitar from a war hero, am I right?” He hated his voice when it was speaking their words. Hated the way they tried to mimic his own speech patterns. Newton felt his hand twitch in response to his own impulse when the guy set the end of the guitar down on the floor a little rough. Just not enough. Not enough to snatch it away from him or tell him it wasn’t for sale. Sorry but fuck off.

            “Yeah, no, this is going to be amazing. Some collectors are going to go apeshit over this. I’m surprised you’re not trying to auction it yourself.” The guy reached for his wallet to start getting the money they’d agreed upon out.

            “What the hell are you doing?” Newton felt a twist in his gut at the sound of Chuck’s voice behind him. The guy looked up as he was countering the cash and gave Newton a pointed look. They knew before they turned around that Chuck was storming over. Newton was both overjoyed at Chuck’s timing and suddenly in a panic because they had already started to think Chuck was a _problem_. Newton didn’t want them deciding he had to be cut out like Hermann had been; it would be another thread of connection cut. The two people most likely to know something was wrong.

            “Chuuuuck,” Newton heard himself speak as he turned to face his friend. “Just doing a little bit of business here is all. I’ll be done in a moment.”

            “Why are you selling your guitar, Newt?”

            “Is there a problem here?” Newton could feel them trying to calculate how to handle this. They still weren’t entirely certain how to approach things; how to navigate his relationships without making anyone suspicious about his behavior. They tried to dig through his memories and thoughts to figure out the best way to handle it all and it seemed to make it easier for him to slip back into control. Newton made sure to clamp down on what he could; metaphorically hiding the valuables. Not metaphorically. Literally.

            “No, no problem. Here, why don’t you get that packed up pal and I’ll be with you in a minute. Hey Chuck, I’m just getting rid of some stuff, okay? Things I don’t need anymore.”

            “Bullshit, you wouldn’t get rid of your guitar unless there was a reason. Leave that the hell alone; he’s not selling it.” Chuck leaned to point at the guy who had gotten the guitar back in its case. Newton sidestepped to stay between the two as they tried to figure out how to keep this from becoming a scene. That was another thing they didn’t seem to understand or didn’t really care about. Newt wasn’t going to intimidate anyone. Both Chuck and the guy buying the guitar could likely just pick him up and move him out of the way if they really wanted to.

            “Hey, I didn’t come all the way here for nothing. Back the hell off, jack ass.” Chuck sidestepped around them and Newton felt a new sense of panic that was oddly shared between him and them. This couldn’t turn into a fight; the last thing he wanted was Chuck getting into a fight because of him. He’d get in trouble or worse; he’d end up getting hurt. The last thing they wanted was this to turn into a _scene;_ something that would raise other’s interests and suspicions.

            Newton tried to grab onto Chuck but his movement was too slow and sluggish with the fight for control. _We’re both trying to stop this, assholes, come on!_ He tried reasoning with them but they weren’t willing to let him slip. Stopping a fight was less important than keeping Newton from saying something that might give them away apparently.

            “Well, I guess you did, mate. So, bugger off.” Chuck closed up the guitar case and pulled it up off the floor. The guy made a grab for it and Chuck pushed him back with some tempered control. “Trust me, mate, you don’t want to do this.” They were moving Newton to step between the two again and put his hands on Chuck chest to give him a light push back to create distance. The guy apparently took a swing at the same time, Chuck unprepared for it as his attention shifted to Chuck, and the force of the two events caused them to lose footing and tumble down to the ground. Newton landed on top of the guitar case which landed on top of Chuck and for a moment everything stopped. He stared down at Chuck who was in obvious pain even though he was already trying to sort them out to get back up.

            “Why don’t you stay down and just hand the fucking guitar over?” Newton said the words with a huff of irritation as he picked himself up and tried to smooth his clothes out. Inside Newton curdled at the tone of voice; bucked against their control in sheer offense.

            Chuck gave him a glare that was equal part confused and angry as he pulled the guitar further away when the other guy made a grab for it again. They were extremely aware of the fact that there were people staring now; watching. Attention had been drawn so Newton put an arm up to stop the guy from taking another swing. “Hey, just back off, alright? You don’t want to be the guy who tries to kick the ass of an injured war hero.”

            “You mean the guy who was too much of a coward to see the job through like Pentecost did.” Newton had turned back to say something to Chuck and he saw the flicker of emotion on his face. Newton’s own anger flared, burned bright enough to push even the voices in his head back as he turned back on the man.

            “Get the fuck out of here before I kick your fucking ass myself. How fucking dare you fucking say that fucking shit here? Where the fuck were you when they were closing the breach? Hiding in your fucking shelter while he was out there risking his life to save everyone’s ass.” Newton marched up into the man’s face who seemed completely confused by his sudden change of attitude towards him. A few other people were closing in; other staff from the Shatterdome making their presence known to put an end to anything before it could go further.

            “Fine, I don’t need your shit guitar.” The guy huffed and shoved his money back in his pocket before turning to leave.

            “That’s a fucking amazing guitar you fucking douche nugget!” Newton yelled it after him before he turned to look at Chuck who was getting to his feet. Newton moved to help him but was stopped short as they tried to rush back in like the water rushing into shore. He tried to hold them back as flickers of blue filled his vision and he had to close his eyes against the pain of it. He refused to let them do what they wanted; knew they had determined in those moments of searing anger that Chuck was too much of a risk to keep interacting with if he could elicit that response from Newton.  

            “Newt.” Chuck’s voice was close again and they pushed in an attempt to snap back into place. Newton wanted to scream in frustration as he tried to keep them from doing it. He felt Chuck’s arm slip around his shoulders which only made the struggle more painful. “Newton, I need to hear you’re okay.”

            “I’m fine. I’m fine…it’s fine, just…give us…me a moment.” Newton pushed him away but carefully this time. Gently. He looked up at Chuck who was giving him a frown that still boarded on anger but was saturated in concern as well. Chuck wouldn’t lash out at him, especially not with him in apparent pain, and they figured that out too. “Look, why don’t you keep the guitar if you want it so much? I’ve got to go.”

            “Newton, if something serious is going on I need you to tell me.” Chuck stepped forward again but Newton just shook his head frantically as he felt another wave of sparking nerve-endings that was more than a little intentional on their part.

            “I just don’t really want it anymore but you take it. Maybe you can learn now that you have time, yeah? I’ve got to go.”

            “Newton-“

            “I’ll see you later. I’ve got work to do.” Their whispers turned into laughter as he turned to march away from Chuck. The pain only subsided when he was down the hall and it was clear Chuck wasn’t following. They only stopped wrestling to hold control over him once they knew no one was around for him to betray them to. Newton ducked into one of the maintenance closets; checked to make sure it was really empty before sinking down to the floor and wrapping his arms around his head as he curled up tightly.

            Little packets. Little packets of information he had to keep safe. He sorted and counted them carefully; locked them away the best he could. Chuck would keep the guitar; it would be another thing kept safe for when this got fixed. Newton tried not to dwell on whether or not this would be something that could be fixed.

 

            One of the J-techs that had moved in to have their backs if the guy had really pushed for a fight asked Chuck if he was okay as he shouldered the guitar case. Chuck brushed his off as he turned to storm out of the visitor’s hall feeling angry and embarrassed. He was scared too, not that he’d admit it, but he was scared for Newton because something bigger was going on than migraines. He was supposed to be meeting with Raleigh in a little while but he headed down towards the labs instead doing his best not to pay attention to the ache in his hip from the fall. Brushed off the few people brave enough to ask if he was okay when they saw the bruise Chuck was certain was forming on his cheek from the hit the guy had gotten in.

            Hermann was in the lab on his own like he had been most days that week when Chuck had looked in. He was sitting at his computer and startled when Chuck came in. The annoyance disappeared off his face the moment he got a good look at him and Chuck did his best to ignore that. Tried to keep his anger under control because Hermann wasn’t to blame for what had happened.

            “Will medical talk to you about Newt?” He slid the guitar case off his shoulder and forced himself to be careful with it as he leaned it against Hermann’s desk. Hermann stared at it for a few seconds looking troubled and he reached for it for just a second before pulling away.

            “No, I’m not family and he hasn’t given them permission to. What on earth happened, Chuck?” The use of his first name meant he looked worse than he hoped.

            “Nothing. Don’t let Newt have this back. It’s mine now but I need you to hold onto it for a bit. You need to make them talk. Make them tell you what the hell is going on because I know they won’t talk to me and I’m likely to get myself court marshalled if I try to convince them to.” Chuck knew he owed Hermann more of an explanation than that but right then he was too tense. Too wound up and angry and hurt. Chuck was _trying_ not to be as volatile as he’d been in the past. Was trying to be better and Hermann was a friend.

            “Will you at least tell me what happened? Why has Newton given you his guitar?” Hermann looked terrified suddenly as he finally rested a hand on the end of the guitar case. Chuck cursed in the back of his mind; cursed out loud too because he wasn’t that good at impulse control. “Chuck.”

            “Just…he was trying to sell it, I stopped him but it’s mine now. Don’t let him take it back I don’t want him trying to sell it again. Try to get medical to tell you what’s going on because it’s something more than just fucking headaches.” Chuck could feel the fear settling in where the anger was supposed to be. He rapped his knuckles against the edge of the desk; remembered he needed to get to the KWOONs to meet with Raleigh. He might break the rules a little today; he might push for a little more of a fight because he needed something to chase away that dread. Hermann stepped a little closer as he frowned at him and Chuck sighed as he realized it was the bruised cheek he was looking at.

            “Let me see it,” Hermann said with a huff and Chuck rolled his eyes. He turned his head though. His cheek had fallen into that rhythmic throbbing and he could feel heat coming off it which meant it would swell. If Newton hadn’t gotten in the way; hadn’t distracted him for that split second it had taken for the guy to get the hit in. “I suspect that Ranger Becket isn’t going to agree to your usual sparring session with the looks of that, Ranger Hansen.”

            “Yeah, well, I’ll change his mind. I’m fine; just pissed off. Will you try medical?” Hermann pursed his lips before he nodded in response. “Tell them you’re worried about him being a danger to himself. Tell them whatever the hell you need to.”

            “I doubt it will work but I will do what I can. I’ll give them a call and see what I can get out of them. If I need to I’ll see if Mr. Choi can put in a formal request. Was he really…was he really trying to get rid of this?” Hermann’s hand hovered for a moment before landing on the guitar case once more; touching it gently with almost a reverence.

            “Yeah, selling it to some asshole who wasn’t to happy to have it taken back. Tell me if you find anything?”

            “Of course. Will I see you later?”

            “Yeah, I’ll stop in later mate.”

 

            Mako hadn't been sure if she'd find Chuck still waiting or not when she peaked into the KWOONS. Raleigh had texted her to ask if she'd let him know he wasn't going to make it; he was tied up in the meeting with the counsel on what they wanted him to do moving forward. Mako had a similar meeting scheduled with the Marshal but they seemed determined to separate them out. Chuck was sitting off to the side when she looked in and she took a few seconds to observe him. She had caught wind that Chuck had been in a fight with someone earlier. She hadn’t been certain if it was just an exaggeration or straight up rumor though given some of the details.

            They had been close when they were younger but had drifted apart in the more recent years. Part of that was Chuck's anger; that hurt he carried out on his sleeve while she had always kept hers quiet and under control. He didn't look angry now; he looked tired and maybe a little sad as he frowned down at the mats. One of the rumors had been that Newton had been involved in the fight.

            "Hello Chuck." She finally spoke up as she stepped fully into the KWOONS to make her presence known. He looked up at her for just a second and then sighed with a frown as he shifted like he was going to stand up but there was a flicker of pain. He leaned back on the bench instead as he eyed her wearily. "Raleigh asked me to come tell you that he had to cancel today. He is stuck in a meeting but he will meet with you tomorrow instead." 

            "Figures.” He had muttered this more to himself than to her before he looked up at her. “Right, thanks." He didn’t really sound grateful but there wasn’t any of that raw antagonism he sometimes threw around. Mako understood why Raleigh wanted to help him with what he was dealing with. Raleigh wanted to help people as a general rule; what surprised her was that Chuck had accepted in the first place.

            Or that, by all accounts, it had been going well over the last week. Raleigh said Chuck still got a bit confrontational at times but that he was a lot more open to talking during their sessions than Raleigh would have expected. Mako hadn’t been sure she really believed that or if Raleigh was being kind. Granted, it wouldn't be hard to be more open to talking when Chuck's typical level of openness was more like being sealed up tight. He still hadn't moved to get up to leave and Mako moved to sit down beside him despite his best attempt to not acknowledge she was there. 

            "Are you alright, Chuck?" 

            "I'm just fine, Mako." There was the regular hint of abrasiveness there but the level of fire was mild compared to previous confrontations. He looked at her for a second before dropping his eyes down to the floor. They sat for a long moment in silence that seemed to distinctly say he wasn’t fine. Mako sighed as she leaned back to make herself comfortable as well as to make it clear she was sticking around. That she was there despite the things that stood between them. After a few moments Chuck spoke up quietly. "I'm sorry, you know." 

            "About what?" Mako said a little pointedly because Chuck had a lot of things he should be apologizing to her for given his behavior leading up to the closing of the breach. 

            "Always cut right to it, don't you?" Mako rolled her eyes as she looked at him but Chuck still wasn't meeting her eyes. "I was talking about Stacker but I suppose I should apologize for the other shit too, huh?" Mako's lips parted a little in surprised before she pursed them together as the sadness settled over her as it did so frequently these last couple of months. She felt like they had stepped back several years as they sat silently besides each other. Chuck, the younger version of himself, still angry but not yet at that point where he'd completely closed off the world. Her steeped in her mourning knowing she would use it to fuel herself moving forward. 

            "Stacker is not yours to apologize for, Chuck, he made his own choice. He gave us that chance we needed." She almost reached out to him; almost put a hand on his knee in comfort to emphasize her words before she remembered they were not the people they had been back then. Both of them had changed and there was still that chasm between them that had allowed him to insult her so casually in the hall as he antagonized Raleigh into a fight. 

            "Feels like he's my responsibility. If it had been dad with him...I don't know maybe things wouldn't have gone to shit. Sometimes feels like I should have gone with him but that wasn't my choice either. Or maybe it was. We were in each other's heads after all." Chuck shifted a little and there was a sharp inhalation of breath like he was in pain. Mako narrowed her eyes at him trying to get him to look at her. She finally reached over to snap her fingers in front of his face; achieving her goal as he gave a noise of irritation as he looked fully at her. His left eye was red; a bruise dark and swollen around his eye socket. "Don't start Maks." 

            "Who did you fight with? And why?" She wanted to know how much of what she had heard was true. Wanted to understand just what had happened. He stood now; back rigid as he tried his best not to show he was in any pain. Mako could see it though in his clenched jaw and the way he fisted his hands. Mako stood with him as he moved to pick up the guitar case.

            "Just leave it be, Mori." Chuck had apparently caught that he'd slipped and called her Maks. He hadn't called her that in years. She planted herself in his path as she gave him a stern look and it was his turn to roll his eyes. "It was stupid shit.” She crossed her arms as she just waited for more than that. He looked at her for a moment like he had in the hall after that failed first drift with Raleigh. He huffed though as some of that fight seemed to drop out of him; the fatigue and something else Mako wasn’t used to seeing in him replaced it. It looked a little like fear and she stood up straighter with it. “Newt’s getting rid of some shit. I didn’t agree with his choice to sell his guitar and the asshole he was trying to sell it to didn’t appreciate me stepping in. It’s fine.”

            “Why would Newton sell his guitar?” Mako frowned as she felt an unexpected pang of hurt. Newton had taught her to play using that guitar; she had given him stickers to put on it when she was younger. He had always said that guitar was his memoir of people and places he’d loved.

            “Yeah, that’s what I’m trying to figure out. Now do you mind? If Rahls isn’t going to come by I need to beat the shit out of a punch bag for a while.” Some of his normal brashness returned to his voice as Chuck gave her a look and Mako sighed as she stepped out of his way.

            “You should take it easy if you are injured, Chuck.”

            “Yeah, sure.” Chuck said it was he pushed past her and she caught him lift the single finger up over his shoulder. Mako gave his back a small glare and returned the gesture in frustration despite the childishness of it. Still, Chuck had confirmed more the rumors than she had thought he would which troubled her. The fact that Newton had been selling his guitar had left a niggling doubt in the back of her mind. She hadn’t talked directly with him recently though she knew he’d been having some effects from the drift.

            She turned the light in the KWOONs off as she left; headed to work on some of the details the work she’d been tasked with earlier. They were planning on producing new jaegers, a fail safe they claimed, though Herc had heard talk of other plans the PPDC had. She needed to think over what she’d learned and the coding would help focus her thoughts. And then she hoped she could find Newton.

 

            “Dr. Gottlieb, we’ve told you that we cannot discuss patient information with you in regards to Dr. Geiszler. I understand your concern but you are not family and he has revoked the previous approval for you to receive information on his condition.” Hermann sighed as he heard the same speal he’d been given earlier in the week. He hadn’t told Chuck that he’d been trying to get medical to talk to him despite his understanding that they wouldn’t. That it wasn’t his place. 

            It was his place though. Newton was his to be concerned about or at least he had thought he was. He wasn’t sure when Newton had made the decision to remove his access to his medical information; they had both agreed to share even before the drift. They had always been each other’s closest emergency contact. He pinched the bridge of his nose as he leaned back in his chair and eyed the guitar case that Chuck had left there. It’s presence in the lab seemed like a heavy weight in his chest. Newton would not have sold his guitar. It had been a present from his uncle long ago and Hermann couldn’t remember a time he’d been without it during the years. He had dragged it from place to place insistently; had played it numerous times in the lab and even a few times at open mic nights. 

            “I understand all of this but I am growing increasingly concerned over his behavior. He is parting with important belongings; has pulled away from his friends, myself included. I...I need to at least know if something...irreversible is occurring. If perhaps we should be prepared…” Hermann couldn’t bring himself to voice it even though the thought had been lingering in the back of his mind. Newton would only part with his things if he felt he had no reason to keep them. There was silence on the other end of the line for a few moments and then a heavy sigh. 

            “I’m truly sorry, Dr. Gottlieb, I can’t give you any information. I assure you though that Dr. Geiszler’s condition...is not being discussed in final terms at this time. I would suggest you discuss this with him. If you continue to insist on calling us to press for information we will be forced to stop answering your number.” Hermann pursed his lips feeling a surge of anger and irritation. They were  _ handling _ him like he was some nuisance. 

            “I will simply come and request the information in person then.” 

            “Dr. Gottlieb; I’m sorry but this conversation is closed for further discussion until Dr. Geiszler reverses his request. Goodbye.” The line went dead and Hermann sat there for a long second staring at the computer screen in front of him but not truly seeing it. He finally set the phone down a bit harder than was completely necessary. 

            “Bastard.” He wasn’t certain if he meant the medic he’d been speaking with or Newton at the moment. Newton who had continued to evade him and insist he needed more time. Hermann was doing his best to respect that despite the fact that he didn’t understand why. He leaned forward to pull the guitar case over to him and lifted it carefully onto the desk doing his best not to knock anything out of order. Newton needing space was one thing; Newton parting with his belongs was another thing entirely. 

            Hermann opened the guitar case to find the ridiculous things nestled inside with its stickers covering almost every inch of it. There was a new addition now, written metallic gold ink, Newton’s name in a flourish with the ‘Doctor’ included and everything. He gave a soft sound of disgust at the hubris of it. He could almost believe that Newton would be selling autographed memorabilia if he didn’t look past the surface. He had always wanted to be a rockstar. 

            But this? If Hermann really dug into the truth of the man rather than the facade? This was entirely out of character. Selling something of such importance; signing it like some stock photo that someone had fished for an autograph with. Signing it with his  _ title  _ for God’s sake. Hermann ran his fingers over the strings; traced along the signature as he tried to keep that familiar sense of the world crumbling around him from settling into his core. 

            He closed his eyes and tried to reach out to Newton for not the first time that week. He’d met with resistance every single time though he’d gotten a sense of emotion from time to time. Turmoil that stirred beneath the surface before the barriers went up entirely. He was met with that resistance now but there was a taste of pain with it. 

            Hermann was through respecting boundaries as he sighed and pulled back away as he felt the push from Newton to let him be. He would take a page from Chuck’s book; he had given Newton time and space for the entire week. He was done respecting boundaries when there was no reasoning given. Because he deserved an explanation from Newton after everything they’d been through. After what they had become after the drift and their feelings had been laid out in front of them. 

            Newton typically made an appearance in the lab early in the morning. He didn’t usually acknowledge Hermann or gave him the barest of greetings. But tomorrow Hermann was going to demand an explanation.

            For this evening he intended to wait for Chuck. To see if he really did check back in once some of that hurt and anger that had been so apparent in him earlier had dissipated. Because, despite Newton being his top concern, he also wished to be there for Chuck who was so clearly still struggling himself. Because Chuck deserved that much and if Newton wasn’t going to be the friends that Ranger Hansen could lean on than Hermann would take over in that regard. 


End file.
